Archive for the 'Izzie in Holyland' Category

17
Mar
10

Izzie in HolyLand – Part 7

It’s 3 am in Jerusalem. Izzie’s just finished another consult with her ministers on how to get out of the mess Eli Yishai caused during the Biden visit.

She’s been crying the whole night.

Just as she finally begins to close her eyes, the phone rings.

Emanuel: Izzie?

Izzie: Yes, who is this?

Emanuel: It’s me, Rahm.

She can hear him smiling through the phone.

Izzie: Oh, I get it. So, you’re calling me to gloat now? Is that it?

Emanuel: Nah, of course not, kiddo! That’s not my style. I just wanted to check up on you…. hee-heee…pffffff (he can’t control the giggling)

Izzie: Yeah, right. I’ll bet. Well, for your information, I’m doing just fine. Just! Fine! (The tears start to roll and mess up her mascara again)

Emanuel: Really? You’re fine? Pfffff heee-heee!! Sorry, sorry…. I don’t know what’s wrong with me…. I mean… ummm…. you don’t sound fine… heeeeeheeee!!!

Izzie: Stop it! I’m fine! So what if Barack’s a bit angry now? It’ll blow over.

Emanuel: “A bit angry”??!!!? PFFFFFFFFF!!!!! Did you hear that??

Izzie hears someone else laughing in the room with him

Izzie: Who’s there!?! Baracky baby?!?! Is that you? 

Axelrod: PFFFfffpfff sorry Izzie, it’s just me… David. Heeeee-heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee….

Izzie: Oh. The other –

Axelrod: – Yeah, Izzie, the other self-hating Jew! pfffff heeeeheeeee hoooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She can’t control the sobs now

Izzie: Stop…(sniff) it… (sniff) please…(sniffsniffsniiff

Emanuel: OHHH G-d!!! OH! Feels so good!! Oh…. Sweet revenge…

Axelrod: Yeah, Izzie, I mean, you gotta admit: you had it comin’…

Izzie: I did not!

Axelrod: Oh, c’mon! What planet are you living on?! You’ve been lying to us ever since we took office!

Obama calls out for Rahm from the Oval Office

Izzie: Is that Baracky? Can I speak to him? Please???

Emanuel: Sure… If you want your head bitten off!!!! HEEEEE HHhooooo pffffff!!!

Axelrod slaps his knee and Emanuel grabs his stomach, the laugh is so hard it’s almost too painful 

Emanuel: Oh G-d, Oh G-d, so good…. so goood…. oh… oh… ohhh…. oh, someone stop the pain…. ohhhhhhhhhhhh

Izzie: Please… (sniff)… Rahm… (sniff)… Let me speak to Barack…

Axelrod: Izzie, I don’t think that’s such a good idea….

Izzie: Please!!! (sob)… I’ll do anything!

Emanuel and Axelrod grin at each other

Emanuel: Will you stop building in East Jerusalem?

Izzie thinks for second

Izzie: No…

Emanuel: HEEEEEE!!!! Hooo !!!! I didn’t think so!!! HAaaa… Oh G-d… stop it, stop it… oh please… I can’t breath… please….

Axelrod: Oh G-d, I haven’t laughed this hard since my Zeidi used to tickle me as a kid….heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Emanuel: OK, OK, OK…. Listen, Iz…. seriously… we just wanted to try to cheer you up…

Axelrod: Yea Iz, seriously, we actually wanted to sing you a little song….

Izzie: Really? For real? Don’t make fun of me Rahm… I’m really not in the mood…

Emanuel: No, of course not! Just listen, OK?

Izzie: Well, OK…

Axelrod: OK. Let’s do this…

Emanuel and Axelrod look at each other, trying hard to keep the laughter in. They clear their throats simultaneously and go for it

Emanuel and Axelrod: “Who’s sorry now? Who’s sorry now? Whose heart is aching for breaking each vow?” 

Izzie: You fucking bastards!

Emanuel and Axelrod: “Who’s sad and blue?” PFfffff “Who’s crying too?” Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Izzie: Fucking shmucks!

Emanuel and Axelrod: “Just like I cried over you?” HOooooooooooooHeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Izzie: Stop it! Get Barack on the phone! Now!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emanuel and Axelrod: “Right to the end, just like a friend”

Izzie: You’re gonna pay for this Rahm.

Emanuel and Axelrod: “I tried to warn you somehow”

Rahm: I did Izzie, I tried to warn you, I swear heeeeehooooooooo heeee pfffff

Emanuel and Axelrod: “You had your way, now you must pay”  pfffffffffffffffffffffff

Izzie: Asshole.

Emanuel and Axelrod: “I’m glad that YOU’RE SORRY NOWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

They both collapse in their chairs giggling uncontrollably, as Obama walks in

Obama: Rahm! What the hell is going on in here?

Rahm sits up straight, wipes the tears of joy from his eyes

Emanuel: Sorry, Mr. President… We were just fooling around a bit with Izzie….

Obama: Oh… well… in that case…

He grins

Obama: Keep up the good work!

25
Feb
10

Izzie in HolyLand – Part 6

Izzie: Oh my G-d, Ehud, I’m soooo stoked about Dubai! How cool was that operation?

Barak: Yeah, it was pretty good.

Izzie: Oh, and that death squad! SOOO smoooooth. Did you check out that Gail Folliard? How hot is THAT chic?! Oh my G-d, it’s like the Mossad must have some kind of Simon Cowell filtering out the ugly ones!

Barak: Yup, she’s hot, she’s hot.

Izzie: Oh my G-d, I HAVE to call our buddies and see what they think…

Ring-Ring!!!!

Izzie: Gordi?

Brown: Izzie? Is that you?

Izzie: Yeah! Holy shit, Gordi, did you see the pics coming out of Dubai?

Brown raises his voice, making sure everyone outside the room hears him

Brown: Oi! Izzie!!! Are you bloody mad?!?! Stealing identities of British citizens?!?!?!

Izzie: (Disappointed at Brown’s reaction) But Gordi, this guy was a mega-terrorist, he –

Brown hushes Izzie up and whispers into the phone, making sure nobody hears

Brown: Shhh, I know, I know… great job Izzie. Oh my G-d, I though I was watching a James Bond movie! Don’t listen to everybody ,it’s all a load of bollocks!

Raises his voice again

Brown: I’m summoning your ambassador, I hope you understand how serious this is!

Whispers again

Brown: Cheerio Izzie, keep it up! Gotta go!

Izzie: (Too happy for words) Bye Gordi!

———————————————————————————–

Ring-Ring!!!!

Izzie: Nicola?

Sarkozy: Izzie? Iz it vous?

Izzie: Oui, mi amor!

He makes sure everybody outside the room hears

Sarkozy: Merd, Izzie! Dis fooleesh operation iz a deezaster! It will not bring ze peace!

Izzie: (Once again, disappointed with the reaction) But Nicola, this guy –

Sarkozy: (Whispers) Shhhhh!! Shhh! Oh my G-d, Izzie! It was fabulous! Fantastic! I thought I was watching my favorite film, Nikita! How do you do it, tout-le-monde is so jealous!

Izzie: (Grinning widely) I know, it’s sooooo cool, huh?

Sarkozy: Oui, oui, beacoup cool!

His aide enters, so he raises his voice

Sarkozy: D’accord. I will speak to vous later! But je condemn this horribleh act of merder!!!

Izzie: Bye Nicola…

———————————————————————————–

Ring-Ring!!!!

Izzie: Kev?

Rudd: Streuth, Izzie? Is that you?

Izzie: Yeah, Kevin! How goes down under? Did you see the Dubai cam pics?

Rudd raises his voice

Rudd: Well, I’ll be stuffed! You’ve got some nerve using Ozzie passports, Izzie!

Izzie waits for the whisper. Smiles as it comes…

Rudd: Shhh! Good onya Izzie! Wow, how you guys do it I’ll never know. Our guys can barely pick out a dingo from a dog pack, mate! It was a beaut, Izzie! See ya!

Izzie: Bye Kev!

———————————————————————————–

Ring-Ring!!!!

Izzie: José?

Zapatero: Izzie? Es tu?

Izzie: Si, mi caballero!

Zapatero raises his voice

Zapatero: Estas loca?!?!? Que cigarillo have you been fumando???? Dis operacion was ee-leh-gal!

Izzie: Anything else you wanna say, José?

He whispers

Zapatero: Ay, caramba! Izzie, your Mossad is grandioso! Felicitaciones on this maravilloso act against de terroristas de bandistas conquidistas maldistas gordistas sandinistas!

Izzie: Gracias, mi querido primero ministerio! Hasta luego!

———————————————————————————–

Ring-Ring!!!!

Izzie: Baracky?

Emanuel: No, Izzie. It’s Rahm

Izzie: Oh, it’s you. So, what now, you’re taking his calls?

Emanuel: No, I was just in the office.

Izzie: Whatever. Is Barack there?

Emanuel: Yeah. But he’s busy.

Izzie: (Whispers) Fucking self-hating Jew…

Emanuel: What did you say? What the fuck did you just say now, Izzie!!?!?

Izzie: Nothing! I said “I’m still waiting for my juice!” That’s all! I asked for some juice a minute ago, jeez!

Emanuel: Yeah, right.

Izzie: Just tell Barack I called.

———————————————————————————–

Ring-Ring!!!!

Izzie: Silvio?

Berlusconi: Izzie? Iz it tu? Come sta?

Izzie: Oh, Silvio, tell me you saw the pics from Dubai…

Raising his voice, so all the consiglieri outside hear

Berlusconi: Izzie! You steala de identities off de European a nationalistas! I shoulda shoot tu in dat bellissima face of yours!

Izzie waits for the whisper

But Berlusconi raises his voice even higher

Berlusconi: But it was fantastico!!!

Izzie: Silvio!!!! SHHHH!!!! They’ll hear you!!!

Berlusconi: Who will hear? I don’t give a de fuck who is a listening. Izzie, you can a give me de telefono numero of that Gail Folliard…? I’m a having a pool party tomorrow…

14
Dec
09

Izzie in Holyland – Part 5

Izzie: Hey Baracky!
Barack: Izzie? Is that you?
Izzie: Yeah! Baracky, guess what?
Barack: Izzie… how many times do I have to tell you, there’s a 7 hour time difference. It’s 3 am here… and,
Izzie: But Baracky! I had to call you, I just had to!
Barack: Michelle is right next to me Izzie, this is a bad time. Especially after the whole Tiger Woods thing, Izzie… Jeezus
Izzie: Tiger in the woods? Baracky! I don’t know what you’re smoking – but I want some!
Barack: Izzie, can this wait a few hours?
Izzie: Sure! I just wanted you to know: You’re the first person I called on my new iPhone!
Barack:…
Izzie: They just got to Israel!
Barack:…
Izzie: I stood outside the Malcha mall in Jerusalem with my bodyguards all night – I got the first one!
Barack:…
Izzie: How exciting is that, Baracky? Oh, you should see it. They were right, it really is sleek!
Barack: I’m going to bed. I’m hanging up now.
Izzie: OK sweety. Oh, and one more thing – I loved your speech in Oslo. Or was that Stockholm? Oh my G-d, I always get those two mixed up…
Barack: Thanks, Izzie. It was Oslo. Now, good night.
Izzie: So, when do I get my cut?
Barack: Your what?
Izzie: My cut. My part of the prize.
Barack: You want a cut of the prize.
Izzie: Well, yeah. Like, duh…
Barack: Why should you get a cut, Izzie?
Izzie: Well, it’s a peace prize, right?
Barack: Yeah, but –  
Izzie: And you got it for bringing the peace, right?
Barack: Well, yes –
Izzie: So, you got it for bringing peace to the MidEast, right? Am I right?
Barack: Well, actually it’s –
Izzie: So, come on – be honest with me: Could you have brought the peace without me?
Barack: What peace exactly are you talking about, Izzie?
Izzie: Exactly.
Barack: Exactly what?
Izzie: Exactly what I wanna know. Whatever you brought to the MidEast – I want a cut of it.
Barack: And how big a cut do you want?
Izzie: 50 percent.
Barack: What?!?!?
Michelle: Either you hang up that phone or I swear to G-d I’m gonna whip your ass with that golf club so hard you gonna wish you married a white girl.
Izzie: Tell her I heard that. And that I can tell who wears the pants in the White House.
Barack: That’s it! I’m hanging up!
(Slams phone down)
Izzie: Barack?!?! Did you just hang up on me?!?!?!
(Slams her new iPhone down. Shatters it to pieces)
Izzie: Sh-t! Last time I freeze a settlement for that guy, I swear to G-d! Ehud! Come in here, we have to go back to Malcha!
08
Sep
09

Izzie in HolyLand – Part 4

(Telephone rings)

Izzie: Hello?

Barack: Hey Izzie, it’s me…

Izzie: Baracky?! Is that you baby?

Barack: Yeah, did I wake you?

Izzie: It’s OK baby, you can call me anytime… you OK?

Barack: Yeah, yeah…. It’s just…

Izzie: What… you can tell me…

Barack: I dunno. Rahm showed me this piece in Haaretz… Kinda got me thinking…

Izzie: Well, if it’s Rahm, then it can’t be that important. What is it?

Barack: Something about you meeting with some settlers…

Izzie: Oh… that one. What about it?

Barack: What about it? I think you know “what about it”…

Izzie: Look, Barack, it’s 3 am, just tell me what bothered you, OK?

Barack: Alright, alright. I still think you know, though, but if you want me to spell it out for you, fine. I’m talking about when the discussion came to the settlement freeze, and you said “At the end of the day, we all want the same thing. But we have to act wisely…”.

Izzie:…

Barack: Izzie?

Izzie: Yeah, I’m here. So?

Barack: So?…

Izzie: What’s the problem?

Barack: The “problem”, Izzie, is that I get the feeling you’re not being straight with me. I have a feeling you’re saying one thing to me, and another to that Ketsale guy you keep seeing.

unhappy%20coupleIzzie: Is that what this is about? You think I’m cheating on you with Ketsale? Oh, Baracky….

Barack: What…

Izzie: You know better than that.

Barack: I don’t know any more, Izzie… I just don’t know…

Izzie: Oh, c’mon, you gotta give me more credit Baracky, baby…

Barack: And then I hear that you approve more construction in the West Bank, after we reached a deal on it, after you told me you’d put a freeze on it, and that was it – no more building. I mean, what’s up with that?

Izzie: (Stretches and yawns loudly) Ooooh boy, am I tired. Can we talk about this in the morning?

Barack: Izzie!!!!

Izzie: What….???

Barack: Izzie, I’m trying to get something going here before we meet with Palestine, when you guys both come to New York at the end of the month. And you’re pulling off these crazy stunts! It’s just a slap in the face!

Izzie: I’m sorry: Are you yelling at me?

Barack: NO!!!

Izzie: Cuz it sounds like you’re yelling at me. And if you are, I think you should call me back when you calm down.

Barack: ….

Izzie: … Now, take a deep breath. Call me in a few hours, and I’ll explain everything, OK?

Barack: Promise?

Izzie: Yes baby, I promise

Barack: OK… Bye honey….

Izzie: Bye Baracky…. Anyway, it’s only another 500 units. (hangs up)

Barack: What??? Izzie?? You there?!?!? What did she say? Sh-t!!!!!!!!!!!

21
Jul
09

How’s That Workin’ for Ya?

On one of my last posts, two people who are dear to me had quite the debate (Liat and Lee) going on about the Mideast, and some way or another Dr. Phil got mixed in. I was amazed that the two actually quoted Dr. Phil in the first place, but was even more amazed at how the quotes were very relevant to the discussion. And so, it got me thinking. What if? (Yeah, you know where this is going…. so press play on the video below and let’s get this show on the road!)

Dr. Phil: Hello! Wow! Thank you! Thank you! Alright! Thank you! Have a seat… Thank you! Settle down now… Have a seat…. OKayyyyyy let’s get started.

You might know our next couple from the hit show “CNN”, they’ve been battling at it for the past 60 years and there just doesn’t seem like there’s any light at the end of the tunnel. Well, let’s see if I can prove ’em wrong. But first, let’s see what our camera crew caught when they weren’t looking. Take a look:

Dr. Phil: Tough pictures. OK, let’s bring out our couple, give a warm welcome to Israel and Palestine!

(Crowd applause, Israel walks in first, short skirt, smiling all the way. Palestine follows, sits beside her, looking grumpy, like Israel has total control over him or something…)

Dr. Phil: OK, now let’s get started. Now, let’s start with you (points to Israel). First, lemme say you’re just cuter than a speckeled pup in a red wagon. But, you say you’re ready for peace and meanwhile continue to steal this man’s land.

Israel: “Steal” is kind of a harsh word, don’t ya think?

Dr. Phil: Well butter my biscuit, I chose steal and I’m sticking with it honey, take it or leave it. Now, are you willing to rise above all this and admit it’s stealing?

Israel: Well, it’s not that easy Dr. Phil (wipes a tear from her eye). I mean, I really want to move on in this relationship, but he just doesn’t trust me. And he keeps sending these terrorists to kill me. I mean, why do I have to give up land? Just so he can ask for more and more and eventually has everything I own?

Dr. Phil: Well, all I can say is “The most you get is what you ask for”.

(Israel and Palestine look at each other, a bit confused)

Dr. Phil: Now you, (points to Palestine) you look like you been rode hard and put up wet. But is it really necessary to chose violent resistance over peaceful, more efficient ways?

Palestine: Yes.

Dr. Phil: Son, you’re gonna have to do better than that, one word sentences aren’t gonna get you off the hook on MY show, so you better be ready to start talkin’ or start walkin’.

Palestine: OK. Look, you’re right, maybe I get angry sometimes too quickly, but –

Dr. Phil: “Anger is nothing more than an outward expression of hurt, fear and frustration.”

Palestine: Exactly! Wow, you really hit it on the nail Dr. Phil –

Dr. Phil: I know son, this isn’t my first rodeo, hehe…

(Crowd laughs heartily, everyone looks gorgeous, like they’re on Oprah)

Palestine: I mean seriously, why should I trust her? She keeps saying that she wants peace, but then she keeps taking more land, killing more of our women and children, we can’t move anywhere in the West Bank, and in Gaza we now live in a jail, and –

Dr. Phil: Now hold your horses, son, just wait. I hear ya, I can hear the pain. (Leans towards Israel). Can you hear that pain too? Are you hearin’ what I’m hearin’? Cuz if you’re not, somethin’s wrong here hun. And if you do hear it, but don’t care, well let me just tell you this: “Awareness without action is worthless”.

(Palestine nods his head, Israel is looking at Dr. Phil in utter disbelief)

Israel: Look, I did not come on national television to be portrayed as the bad gal! We Jews were there first, there’s no disputing that, and we have a right to settle any where we want in the Holy Land – we’ve done it for decades, and we’ll continue to do it for many decades to come!

Dr. Phil: You will?

Israel: Yes (shivering from excitement).

Dr. Phil: Uh huh. (Dr. Phil leans back in his chair, rubs his chin) And how’s that workin’ for ya?

(Israel fiddles with her dress. Tears start to swell up, she’s beginning to realize, it’s settling in. Dr. Phil puts a hand on her knee. She gasps. It’s a bit too high. But hey, it’s Dr. Phil, he wouldn’t try anything funny…  right?)

Dr. Phil: I know, this is tough for ya. But this is a slow process, and we’re gonna work through it together, OK?

(Israel nods as she sobs on more and harder. Palestine puts an arm around her shoulder, but she shrugs him off)

Dr. Phil: Now Palestine, it’s too early for that. Don’t be countin’ your chickens before the eggs hatch! I like to say: “Life is a marathon, it’s not a sprint”.

(Palestine looks at Dr. Phil, trying to figure out what in the world did he mean by that. He leans towards Israel, whispers in her ear)

Palestine: What did he just say?

Israel: Shhh! I don’t know! Shut up! Just nod and we’ll get out of here sooner. I swear to G-d, you’re dead during commercial break, I can’t believe you dragged me all the way for this wacko.

Dr. Phil: You say something hunny?

Israel: No, no, nothing… just finally realizing how right you are. I really have to acknowledge his pain too, as well as my own.

Dr. Phil: Exactly. I think we actually made some progress here! Heck, that wasn’t too hard – almost like water off a duck’s back. Ya know, “Sometimes you make the right decision – but sometimes you make the decision right”.

Israel: All right, that’s it. I ‘ve had enough of this crap. I’m outta here.

(Israel storms off the stage. Palestine sits for a minute, and decides to follow)

Palestine: Sorry Dr. Phil, I don’t know what came over her.

Dr. Phil: Hey son, don’t apologize to me. It’ll take a while, trust me. There’s still a lot of meat on that bone. Which reminds me, I always say: “Get up each morning, look at yourself in the mirror, and see yourself not as someone who is over weight or out of shape, but as the someone you will become”.

Palestine: Shut up Dr. Phil! Shut up in al-abuk, I swear to Allah! I’ve had enough of your rantings and of your made up infidels sitting in the audience! 

Dr. Phil: Hehe, well aren’t you like two peas in a pod. Aw, I love makin’ the peace…

(Palestine storms off stage, yelling: “Israel, I know a good hummus joint! Come, forgive me! I promise we’ll go to Jerry Springer next time!”)

Dr. Phil: Wow, was that somethin’ or what? Those two ran out like chickens with their heads cut off! Join me next time when I take on the troubles of yet another troubled couple, you’re gonna love these two, they’re really sweet: China and Tibet! Don’t miss it.

24
Jun
09

Izzie in HolyLand – Part 2

(Part 1
Izzie: Hi baby!
Barack: Hey Iz, where are ya?
Izzie: In my suite in Rome, just got back from a meeting with Silvio…
Barack: How’d it go?
Izzie: OK, I guess… I dunno, he kept asking me if I wanted to come to a party he was having tonight. Something about him, maybe the hair, I dunno… Don’t think I’ll go. Anyway, it’s you I’m thinking about…  I miss you Baracky baby…
Barack: Is that so?
Izzie: I do, really…  I feel like we barely talk anymore.
Barack: Well, I’ve been busy…
Izzie: I know, I know…. I’m just saying.
Barack: You know, I got Iran and everything.
Izzie: I know baby. And I saw you kill that fly, too! Nice one…
Barack: Thanks, honey. Listen, I better get going…
Izzie: Really? So soon?
Barack: Yeah, I got some stuff…
Izzie: OK…. Baracky?
Barack: Yeah Iz?
Izzie: Is everything OK?
Barack: Whaddya mean?
Izzie: I mean, I dunno, you seem kind of distant.
Barack: Nah, it’s nothing, just got some stuff on my mind. Very busy…
Izzie: OK…. but you would tell me if something was wrong, right?
Barack: Sure, of course I would.
Izzie: OK…. because we haven’t really talked since my Bar Ilan speech.
Barack: Really?
Izzie: Yeah, really. You never told me what you thought of it.
Barack: I didn’t? I thought I did….. hmmmm.
Izzie: So?
Barack: So what?
Izzie: How was the speech?
Barack: Oh! The speech! Yeah, yeah…. it was, ummm…. it was good. Yeah, it was good.
Izzie: “Good”?
Barack: Yeah, good. Good speech baby.
Izzie: Just “good”?
Barack: Ummm, yeah.
Izzie:…..
Barack: Good speech. Interesting, too.
Izzie:….
Barack: Yeah, I liked it.angry%20woman
Izzie: ….
Barack: So anyway,
Izzie: ….
Barack: Izzie? You there?
Izzie: You got a lot of nerve, you know that?
Barack: Excuse me?
Izzie: I SAID PALESTINIAN STATE!
Barack: I know you did honey, but –
Izzie: I DID THAT FOR YOU!!!!
Barack: That’s very sweet, Izzie, but –
Izzie: No, YOU but – DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT WAS FOR ME?
Barack: I’m sure it was, but –
Izzie: But what? What can you possibly have to say? Do you know how disgusting those words are to me? Do you have any idea the nausea I felt as they came thru my lips!?!
Barack: Now wait, now just calm down Izzie…
Izzie: Calm down? Calm down? That’s what you have to tell me? Calm down?
Barack: Are you going to let me say something?
Izzie: This is Rahm’s fault, I know it. That self-hating Jew, I’ll kill him, I swear.
Barack: This has nothing to with Rahm, Izzie, this is between you and me.
Izzie: OK. OK. So, why was it just “good”, huh? Why? Go on, spit it out.
Barack: Well, for one thing, I don’t think saying Palestinian state is such a big deal.
Izzie: You’re serious, right? OMG, unbelievable…
Barack: And second, I dunno, you just didn’t look that honest. I mean, actually, I didn’t believe a word you said.
Izzie:…..
Barack: Wasn’t convinced you were actually going to do something.
Izzie:…
Barack: And it’s not about Rahm, I watched the replay alone.
Izzie: Wait, wait wait wait wait…..  did you just say “replay”?
Barack: Yeah, I had this golf game, I couldn’t cancel, so I Tivo’d it, but –
Izzie: I’VE BEEN TELLING YOU ABOUT THIS SPEECH FOR 2 WEEKS AND YOU DIDN’T WATCH ME LIVE?
Barack: Well, I’m sorry, but…
Izzie: You know what, Barack? Just forget it, OK? Forget it. I’m hanging up, and I’m going to Silvio’s party. And I’m cancelling the meeting with Mitchell tomorrow in Paris. So just forget it, and send me the 3 billion dollars, you know the address.
Barack: Yeah, well, you see, here’s the thing Izzie, I wanted to talk to you about that…    Izzie? You there? Izzie? Sh-t, she hung up. I dunno Rahm, she sounds pissed.

Rahm: Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it. These Jewish states tend to be real princesses. It’ll blow over.

26
Apr
09

Izzie in Holyland

Clinton: Hey Israel, hunny bun, how ya doin?
Izzie: Oh Billie, I miss you soooo much…
Clinton: Really? Why’s that sweetie-pie?
Izzie: You were a real president, you always knew how to please me…
Clinton: (Blushing) Oh… well…. ya know…. aw, that’s nice of you….
Izzie: You never really pushed me any where I didn’t want to go… never made me do anything too kinky, like get out of the West Bank.
Clinton: Well, it’s not like I never wanted to hunny bun, I just didn’t know if we should go there, ya know sweetie? I didn’t want to piss you off and get all your AIPAC buddies on my case…
Izzie: Still… you knew how to treat a young, Middle Eastern belle like myself and make me feel protected. Not like that Dubya, he couldn’t even pronounce that secret I have. You know, that one down in Dimona?
Bush: You mean your nookular powers? hehe, hehe 
Izzie: Oh God, it’s him…
Bush: Yup! Ya miss me too, Izreel? hehe
Izzie: About as much as I miss Arafat…
Bush: Now now, I was nice to ya, wasn’t I?
Izzie: Dubya, you were the worst president I ever did. You had no clue whatsoever…. I mean, you couldn’t tell my West Bank from my East. And what about foreplay? You never showed any interest in my checkpoints. I even got out of Gaza, but did u call? Did you send me flowers? It was like I never existed! 
Clinton: Yeah George, you just don’t screw a peace process like that and never call again… that’s so fratboyish….
Izzie: Thanks Billie baby, I knew you’d understand…. but Billie, I’m so scared of this Barack guy…. I hear he likes it rough…
Clinton: Yeah, you might be in for a whole new experience honey bun. It’ll be tough to stObama 2008all with this guy…
Izzie: Oh Billie, can’t you be President again?
Obama: Why’s that sugah?
Izzie: Oh, Barack! It’s you! I didn’t mean it…. I mean, nothing… just… I dunno, I guess I’m just a bit worried about where our relationship is heading.
Barack: Well, I’m just getting to know you sugah, I don’t wanna commit to anything yet. I don’t know if you’re ready for it…
Rahm: (Whispering in Barack’s ear) Yeah, make her show how serious she is first…
Barack: Take off those roadblocks first baby. Show me how much you love me…
Rahm: (Whispering in his ear) Perfect! I know this chick like the back of my hand, Baracky, we’ll have her on her knees in no time. Go on, talk to her like an Ars, tell her you’ll show her where the fish pees from, it’s the only launguage these guys understand…
Barack: Sugah, I heard you don’t support a two-state solution, and that you’ve been dissing Annapolis, the Saudi initiative. Baby, tell me it’s not true…
Izzie: Of course it isn’t!!! (Crossing her fingers behind her back) Where on earth did you hear THAT rubbish?
Barack: Lieberman.
Izzie: Oh, pffff! Come on… Him? Oh, Baracky, he’s nothing…. he doesn’t mean anything to me, trust me, he’s just a one-gov’t-stand…
Barack: Careful, Sugah, don’t lie to me… or I’ll show you what the fish pees in.
Rahm: No! NO!! “Pees from! WHERE the fish Pees FROM!” Goddammit, where’s Ari when I need him… Probably watching himself on Entourage again…
Bush: Hey fellas, can I pee, too? I’m bored…. Hehe… Laura! Get my potty! We’re going’ peein’!
Clinton: Sorry I can’t come, guys, but Hillary’s outta town, so… (fiddles with his cigar) rain check?
To be continued…



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