31
Jan
10

The Protocols of the Elders of Zapato

Last week, somewhere, in a dark room in a dark building in Reston, Virginia, a meeting of the most powerful men and women of the world took place.
That’s right. You know who they are, you’ve heard of them for years now. Some have told you that they’re just an urban myth, that they don’t really exist. But they do.
Yes, we’re talking about – of course – the order of the Elders of Zapato.
The Elders of Zapato meet every four years in a different location. Half & Half has been given exclusive entrance to this extraordinary meeting to give you – but of course – The Protocols of the Elders of Zapato.
Chairman of the meeting, Selcuk Ozbek from Turkey, pounds his gavel and orders silence from all the attending shoers. Ozbek was just recently accepted into the order in October 2009 after shoeing the director of the IMF, Dominique Strauss Kahn, when he gave a speech in an Istanbul university.
Ozbek: My friends, we have gathered here today to deal with two issues.
The first, accepting into our lines a new and distinguished member. And second, choosing our new leader after the order has deemed Richard Reid, also known as The Shoe Bomber, unfit to lead us as his actions do not constitute shoeing per se. We nonetheless wish Mr. Reid success in his future endeavors, shoe-wise or… or otherwise.
Let’s begin. I call upon Pini Cohen to enter the room.
Cohen enters. On January 27 2010, Cohen shoed the President of the Israeli Supreme Court, Justice Dorit Beinish, and successfully hit her smack in the schnoz.
Ozbek: Pini Cohen, you have been called to join the Elders of Zapato after successfully shoeing a high ranking official. To complete your joining of the order, repeat after me:
I, Pini Cohen, hereby promise to continue shoeing whenever I can, using all shoe brands and designs – except for Manolo Blahniks, they’re way too gorgeous.
Cohen: I hereby promise.
Ozbek: Good. You can come in. But take your shoes off, damn it! You rookies have to be barefoot the first time, I told you!
Cohen tiptoes in and joins the round table.
Ozbek: Now it’s time to go for the second issue.
Around the table, people started to move in excitement. Every one at the table knew the next leader was perfect for the job. 
Jarnal Singh: Oh, come on! Let’s do this already, can’t we skip the protocol?
Singh, a Sikh journalist, shoed India’s Home Minister, P. Chidambaram in April 2009.
Singh: I can’t wait! I’m practically jumping out of my Batas!
Ozbek: Dear Singh, all in good time. We must do this one step at a time.
Muntadhar al-Zaidi: I don’t know why you’re all so happy about this new leader. I shoed the leader of the West!
Al-Zaidi was of course referring to his famous shoeing of George Bush.
Cohen: But you didn’t hit him! You missed! All of you missed!
One of the attending yelled: “But I hit Ahmedinajad’s limo!”
Martin Jahnke: It’s not about hitting! It’s about how you throw! And let’s face it, our next leader has been an inspiration to all of us since 1996!
Jahnke had the balls to shoe Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao in February, 2009.
Al-Zaidi: But at least I threw my shoes at politicians. This woman you are choosing threw it at her servant.
Just then, the doors to the room slam open, and Sara Netanyahu walks in to her infamous campaign song she’s been using over the past two years to excite the masses. It’s Paul Simon’s “Diamonds on the Sole of her Shoes”
The room is in awe. Even over the loud music they can hear the diamonds scratching on the wooden floor.
After holding in all his excitement, Singh decides to join along and… sing:
“People say she’s crazy, 
She’s got diamonds on the soles of her shoes!
Well that’s one way to lose those walking blues!
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes!” 
Sara takes her place at the head of the table. She takes off one of her Extreme Dior Gladiator Platforms and shows everyone the diamonds on the sole of her shoe.
All bow their heads. Even al-Zaidi knows who’s in charge now.
Netanyahu begins her acceptance speech in a low, almost whispering voice. Everyone bends closer to hear.
Sara: Thank you all for accepting me as your new leader of the Elders of Zapato. We have many things on the agenda… but first,

WHO THE FUCK CHOSE THIS DUMP FOR THE MEET? WE ONLY GET TOGETHER EVERY FOUR FUCKING YEARS, DID WE HAVE TO DO THIS AT THE HOLIDAY INN IN RESTON? WHO’S THE FUCK-FACE WHO BOOKED THIS JOINT??!!

Ozbek, head still bowed down, began to lift his hand. Sara shoes him with the diamond studded sole. One swing, goodbye. Instant death.
Sara: OK. Where were we?…  Oh, right! The agenda.
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8 Responses to “The Protocols of the Elders of Zapato”


  1. January 31, 2010 at 09:16

    I can’t wait for the next episode, when we find out that Sara Netanyahu is actually Nikita Khrushchev.

  2. 2 Alice
    January 31, 2010 at 09:25

    What a fun post. Considering recent footwear themes, how about lobbying the International Olympic Committee for adding a new event-Shoe Throwing. Just think of the fun to be had deciding the rules..no Blahniks or Louboutins ( the ones with the devilish red sole)or China-manufactured ten-ton steel-capped thunderers. And-give competitors from the Arab-speaking nations a big handicap, since they seem to have an innate talent. Any ideas on who would be nominated as special coach?

  3. 3 Karen
    January 31, 2010 at 09:34

    What I’ve always wanted to know is do they bring a spare shoe with them to throw or do they throw one of the shoes they’re actually wearing? Because surely that would make it really easy to identify them as the culprit? And I’m not surprised Sarah was elected – she was a clear shoo-in (sorry, but someone had to say it).

  4. 4 Ami Kaufman
    January 31, 2010 at 11:19

    Jeremy – Actually, I was going to make her Imelda Marcus. But Nikita might be a better option…

    Alice – Pini Cohen would be the best coach, I think. He hit her smack on the nose.

    Karen – But it they brought extra shoes wouldn’t they be stopped by security?

  5. 5 Lee
    January 31, 2010 at 14:49

    I’ve always been most impressed by the Al-Zaidi shoeing.

    1. The guy was in a room with several secret service agents and he still managed to get the second shoe off – you’ve got to give him points for that.

    2. Although I generally have a low opinion of him, I was also impressed with George Bush – he ducked both of them suckers. Say what you want about him, but the man’s got reflexes.

  6. February 1, 2010 at 05:10

    Awesome post. 🙂
    One urban legend, by the way, has it that Khrushchev did have an extra shoe, but i’m not really buying it. Another has it that he was already barefoot – the way we take our shoes off on a plane – so it was the handiest thing around the bang with.


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