How’s That Workin’ for Ya?

On one of my last posts, two people who are dear to me had quite the debate (Liat and Lee) going on about the Mideast, and some way or another Dr. Phil got mixed in. I was amazed that the two actually quoted Dr. Phil in the first place, but was even more amazed at how the quotes were very relevant to the discussion. And so, it got me thinking. What if? (Yeah, you know where this is going…. so press play on the video below and let’s get this show on the road!)

Dr. Phil: Hello! Wow! Thank you! Thank you! Alright! Thank you! Have a seat… Thank you! Settle down now… Have a seat…. OKayyyyyy let’s get started.

You might know our next couple from the hit show “CNN”, they’ve been battling at it for the past 60 years and there just doesn’t seem like there’s any light at the end of the tunnel. Well, let’s see if I can prove ’em wrong. But first, let’s see what our camera crew caught when they weren’t looking. Take a look:

Dr. Phil: Tough pictures. OK, let’s bring out our couple, give a warm welcome to Israel and Palestine!

(Crowd applause, Israel walks in first, short skirt, smiling all the way. Palestine follows, sits beside her, looking grumpy, like Israel has total control over him or something…)

Dr. Phil: OK, now let’s get started. Now, let’s start with you (points to Israel). First, lemme say you’re just cuter than a speckeled pup in a red wagon. But, you say you’re ready for peace and meanwhile continue to steal this man’s land.

Israel: “Steal” is kind of a harsh word, don’t ya think?

Dr. Phil: Well butter my biscuit, I chose steal and I’m sticking with it honey, take it or leave it. Now, are you willing to rise above all this and admit it’s stealing?

Israel: Well, it’s not that easy Dr. Phil (wipes a tear from her eye). I mean, I really want to move on in this relationship, but he just doesn’t trust me. And he keeps sending these terrorists to kill me. I mean, why do I have to give up land? Just so he can ask for more and more and eventually has everything I own?

Dr. Phil: Well, all I can say is “The most you get is what you ask for”.

(Israel and Palestine look at each other, a bit confused)

Dr. Phil: Now you, (points to Palestine) you look like you been rode hard and put up wet. But is it really necessary to chose violent resistance over peaceful, more efficient ways?

Palestine: Yes.

Dr. Phil: Son, you’re gonna have to do better than that, one word sentences aren’t gonna get you off the hook on MY show, so you better be ready to start talkin’ or start walkin’.

Palestine: OK. Look, you’re right, maybe I get angry sometimes too quickly, but –

Dr. Phil: “Anger is nothing more than an outward expression of hurt, fear and frustration.”

Palestine: Exactly! Wow, you really hit it on the nail Dr. Phil –

Dr. Phil: I know son, this isn’t my first rodeo, hehe…

(Crowd laughs heartily, everyone looks gorgeous, like they’re on Oprah)

Palestine: I mean seriously, why should I trust her? She keeps saying that she wants peace, but then she keeps taking more land, killing more of our women and children, we can’t move anywhere in the West Bank, and in Gaza we now live in a jail, and –

Dr. Phil: Now hold your horses, son, just wait. I hear ya, I can hear the pain. (Leans towards Israel). Can you hear that pain too? Are you hearin’ what I’m hearin’? Cuz if you’re not, somethin’s wrong here hun. And if you do hear it, but don’t care, well let me just tell you this: “Awareness without action is worthless”.

(Palestine nods his head, Israel is looking at Dr. Phil in utter disbelief)

Israel: Look, I did not come on national television to be portrayed as the bad gal! We Jews were there first, there’s no disputing that, and we have a right to settle any where we want in the Holy Land – we’ve done it for decades, and we’ll continue to do it for many decades to come!

Dr. Phil: You will?

Israel: Yes (shivering from excitement).

Dr. Phil: Uh huh. (Dr. Phil leans back in his chair, rubs his chin) And how’s that workin’ for ya?

(Israel fiddles with her dress. Tears start to swell up, she’s beginning to realize, it’s settling in. Dr. Phil puts a hand on her knee. She gasps. It’s a bit too high. But hey, it’s Dr. Phil, he wouldn’t try anything funny…  right?)

Dr. Phil: I know, this is tough for ya. But this is a slow process, and we’re gonna work through it together, OK?

(Israel nods as she sobs on more and harder. Palestine puts an arm around her shoulder, but she shrugs him off)

Dr. Phil: Now Palestine, it’s too early for that. Don’t be countin’ your chickens before the eggs hatch! I like to say: “Life is a marathon, it’s not a sprint”.

(Palestine looks at Dr. Phil, trying to figure out what in the world did he mean by that. He leans towards Israel, whispers in her ear)

Palestine: What did he just say?

Israel: Shhh! I don’t know! Shut up! Just nod and we’ll get out of here sooner. I swear to G-d, you’re dead during commercial break, I can’t believe you dragged me all the way for this wacko.

Dr. Phil: You say something hunny?

Israel: No, no, nothing… just finally realizing how right you are. I really have to acknowledge his pain too, as well as my own.

Dr. Phil: Exactly. I think we actually made some progress here! Heck, that wasn’t too hard – almost like water off a duck’s back. Ya know, “Sometimes you make the right decision – but sometimes you make the decision right”.

Israel: All right, that’s it. I ‘ve had enough of this crap. I’m outta here.

(Israel storms off the stage. Palestine sits for a minute, and decides to follow)

Palestine: Sorry Dr. Phil, I don’t know what came over her.

Dr. Phil: Hey son, don’t apologize to me. It’ll take a while, trust me. There’s still a lot of meat on that bone. Which reminds me, I always say: “Get up each morning, look at yourself in the mirror, and see yourself not as someone who is over weight or out of shape, but as the someone you will become”.

Palestine: Shut up Dr. Phil! Shut up in al-abuk, I swear to Allah! I’ve had enough of your rantings and of your made up infidels sitting in the audience! 

Dr. Phil: Hehe, well aren’t you like two peas in a pod. Aw, I love makin’ the peace…

(Palestine storms off stage, yelling: “Israel, I know a good hummus joint! Come, forgive me! I promise we’ll go to Jerry Springer next time!”)

Dr. Phil: Wow, was that somethin’ or what? Those two ran out like chickens with their heads cut off! Join me next time when I take on the troubles of yet another troubled couple, you’re gonna love these two, they’re really sweet: China and Tibet! Don’t miss it.


3 Responses to “How’s That Workin’ for Ya?”

  1. 1 carol
    July 23, 2009 at 08:42

    This is brilliant! You should be writing for tv.

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