31
May
09

Follicularly Challenged

I happen to be bald. But, basically, so is almost every other guy in Israel. Seriously. If you live here or if you’ve ever visited, you know I’m right. Israeli bald men outnumber those with hair. What happens to most of us, usually a few years after the army, is a slow migration southwards of hair towards the chest, shoulders and back.
tipusiBut balding is genetic, right? So why is it when I compare the situation of men here to the scalps of my Jewish brethren in the diaspora, mainly the U.S. and U.K., I can’t help but notice that they seem to be much more follicly healthy? In fact, Homer Simpson is probably a much more acurate portrait of the typical Israeli figure than that of homo-suburbia found in America. 
I talked about this issue recently with a friend of mine, and we both weighed in on the reasons. She thought it was most probably the dry, hot weather. We could always blame it on the “matsav” – I mean, who wouldn’t? Or maybe it’s all that hummus. A good bet would be all those antennaes we serve next to while in the military. I don’t know. I tend to believe it has to do with the drinking water. They obviously put too much of something in there.
I’m thinking of starting a Facebook page, for all us bald Israelis. I know it’ll be a hit. But I won’t do it for the ratings, or for the fame. No, we have to get down to the bottom of this. Our children, and children’s children depend on us. What we really need is an official Commission of Inquiry, one that has real teeth to punish those responsible for this crime. 
I want to see heads roll.
And they better be bald.
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16 Responses to “Follicularly Challenged”


  1. 1 LB
    June 1, 2009 at 01:45

    I once read somewhere that there is a direct correlation between levels of testosterone and baldness. Maybe stereotypes aren’t so wrong – the macho Israeli and bookish diaspora Jew…?

    By the way, that guy in the picture, with the matka, bears an eerie resemblance to Omri Sharon.

  2. June 1, 2009 at 07:00

    It *is* a pretty freaky phenomenon. You can recognize Israeli men over 30 all over the world by the “look” of sunglasses propped on a bald head. What about the helmet factor? 😉

    • 4 shmookty
      June 1, 2009 at 08:03

      I dunno Lisa, army helmets aren’t that tight, from what I remember. But I was in the Navy, so I didn’t wear them much. But I was pretty close to powerful radars (which could explain my x-ray vision…)

  3. June 1, 2009 at 07:33

    Maybe it has to do with the fact that Rogaine is sold over the counter in the US? You can buy it at the grocery store.
    Alternatively, I think that there is also a correlation between stress and hair loss. I think it’s fair to say that on the whole Israelis, rightfully so, are more stressed out than the average American.

    • 6 shmookty
      June 1, 2009 at 08:07

      But Rogaine doesn’t fix it, right? I thought it just stalls it…
      I also think Israelis don’t care as much about hair loss as Americans do, it’s not as big an issue.

  4. 7 Karen
    June 1, 2009 at 08:35

    I actually think it’s great the way that most Israeli men accept their inevitable baldness and don’t try to pretend it’s not happening by smearing shoe polish on their heads or getting a hair weave.

    And for the record, I wouldn’t have you any other way 😉

    • June 1, 2009 at 08:45

      Awww….:)

      And as my (bald) uncle says, God made only so many men with perfectly shaped skulls. The rest he had to cover with hair.

      • 9 shmookty
        June 1, 2009 at 09:29

        Karen – you da best… 🙂

        Lisa – Say hi to your uncle for me (or rub his head, if you get a chance).

  5. June 1, 2009 at 08:54

    I still have my hair, but getting greyer and greyer. The matzv…

    When a Commission of Inquiry is establsihed tell me if they found a correlation between ethnic origin (Ashkenazi/Mizrahi) and baldness. And if you need an unchallenged chairman, I heard David Levy is out of job…

    • 11 shmookty
      June 1, 2009 at 09:21

      Ah, but Shachar, going grey is so Sean Connery-esque….. you’re a lucky man.
      Nonetheless, all this talk about looks reminds me of one of my favorite songs from a great album that never got enough credit (just because the guy has a wierd voice). Does anyone remember Erez Halevi? Here ya go, with “This is How Nature Created You”:

  6. 13 Shelly
    June 1, 2009 at 12:48

    Not only do mothers of sons in this country have to feel guilty about sending them off to war, they also have the responsibility for their kids’ inevitable baldness to contend with.
    As if just Jewish Guilt wasn’t enough!

  7. 14 shmookty
    June 2, 2009 at 18:29

    Thanx LB, it’s a great interview. Too bad, it is a sad story, but maybe people will start listening again. His first album was truly a masterpiece.

  8. 15 Jeremy
    June 6, 2009 at 16:00

    WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! We Israeli men are all bald! WAAAAAAAAAH! My heart bleeds for you. I only wish everyone here in America was bald… and short.


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