A Real Eye Opener

It’s been a long time since I’ve done some daddy-blogging. So allow me to let you in on a mini-epiphany I had earlier today.

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror while shaving\putting on make-up\brushing your teeth and so on, and then just stop for a second, look at yourself a bit closer, and feel like you’re kind of looking inside yourself?

I hope that doesn’t sound weird. It doesn’t happen to me often, just every once in a while. So, just to make sure I’m not cuckoo, I asked Karen if it’s ever happened to her, and she said it has. It’s almost as if you feel for a split second that you know yourself a bit better, a bit deeper. The only thing that I can think of to maybe express it better, is what people who practice Buddhism call “awareness”. That’s what I feel, some sort of awareness.

Earlier today, all four of us (Me, Karen, Emma and Lea) went to a wedding of a former Haaretz colleague of mine. Later on, after the food, Emma and I were fooling around on the dance floor. 

At one moment, I bent down to pick her up, and she looked at me. We were both looking at each other’s eyes, and that’s when I got that feeling again. 

But it wasn’t like I was seeing deep down into Emma’s soul or anything. Nope. Actually, it felt exactly how it feels when I get one of those moments looking at MYSELF in the mirror. 

That moment made me feel closer to Emma than I’ve ever felt before. 

Yeah, I hugged her alright.

Done it again

I’m tellin’ ya, those Israeli ad agencies know their stuff. They only copy the best, top notch commercials.

As I’ve shown before, the Israeli agencies have no shame…

Here’s the latest example, from the Mizrachi-Tfahot Bank, as exposed by NRG:

 

And as usual, the American original (much funnier, of course):

reality check

You know how, if you’re American, and you watch reality shows like Survivor, you sometimes get the chills when you see a redneck saying ridiculously stupid things? You know what I’m talking about?

Like, when they say something really stupid, and you kind of hope no one from any other country is watching? So they don’t see the truth? You know, so they don’t find out what most Americans are like? You ever get that feeling?

Because, let’s face it – reality shows pretty much show us, well – reality. The real people. Forget the fact that the show is crap and the situations aren’t real. The people are real. And they’re pretty much like the Average Joe out there.

Same thing here, in Israel. We’ve got our own Survivor. And boy, things are heating up this week between Shai and Ziv, the two undisputed leaders of the Mansaka tribe. Here’s the promo:

Nice, right? Yeah, we’re good at promos.

Anyway, as I was saying, reality shows give us a glance at the real us. And Shai here is the real us, in this case. Shai’s a good bloke. Everybody likes him. He’s charismatic, athletic, smart. Good lookin’ (some might say), too. And he’s an entrepeneur, he has his own restaurant. He’s living the Israeli dream. He’s the concensus. And he’s got everybody wrapped around his finger on the show. He’s calling the shots.

That is… until Ziv started messing with him. And that got Shai angry. But Shai isn’t deterred by that. No… Shai knows exactly how to deal with people like Ziv. Here’s Shai’s immaculate plan:

“It’s like the State of Israel, and he opened up Gaza, he opened up Palestine, just like that – inside of me! They throw stones, they harrass. Let’s take their heads off and then expel them.”

Yup. Ziv is just like those annoying Palestinians. And we know how to deal with those guys.

A Stroll Down Israel-Bashing Lane

As the debate over the Goldstone report heats up, I am reminded of a story that happened over 20 years ago, when I was just a lad of 15 years of age.

This story tells of 5 Palestinians killed, one op-ed written, one letter-to-the-editor sent, one pundit’s response, and what’s changed since then.

On the 14th of April, 1989, deep into the first intifada, a unit of border policemen entered the village of Nahhalin in search of “suspects”. The unit was surprised by hundreds of Palestinian youth, who were waiting for them with stones in hand. Needless to say, the unit never got to the arrests “stage”, but it did “manage” to kill 5 and wound 12 more.

I was 15 back then and just came back to Israel after a year in upstate NY, on sabbatical with my parents at SUNY in Binghamton. The initifida had just started while we were in the States, and as a young teenager I couldn’t help but be extremely overwhelmed at how bad Israel was being portrayed in the media.

The events a year later in Nahalin triggered a lot of worldwide coverage. One person who took part was longtime New York Times pundit, Anthony Lewis. A few days after the event he wrote the following op-ed. I’m not just putting up a link for you to click on this time, because I’d really like you to read this, for two reasons. One, it gives amazing perspective on how things have changed – and haven’t changed at all. And second, it’s important for the storyline…

So, be patient and read up! And remember: this is April, 1989. 

Occupation is the Cause 

One day last week a spokesman for the Israeli army said it had struck a major blow against the Palestinian uprising in the occupied West Bank and Gaza. It had brought charges in a military court against four Palestinians who he said were leaders of the uprising ”at the executive level.”

The next morning, before dawn, the army sent 30 border policemen to raid the village of Nahhalin, near Bethlehem. When the raid was over, five Palestinians were dead and 25 wounded.

Those two coincidental events, the military prosecution and the raid, define Israel’s policy toward the uprising. It is to suppress the Palestinians by force: by arrest, detention, beating, shooting.

Anthony Lewis

And those events make something else clear. The policy is bankrupt.

The idea that the intifada is something managed ”at the executive level” is a grotesque misunderstanding of its character. It is a popular uprising – one that started spontaneously, according to Israeli experts, and that is fed by the frustrations of life under occupation.

Nothing is more likely to feed the intifada than a brutal event like the raid on Nahhalin. The deaths naturally arouse the emotions of Palestinians right across the West Bank and Gaza.

How could such an incident happen? To relieve the pressure on the army and its reservists, Israel has recently been using border policemen for occupation duty. This paramilitary force includes many Arabic-speaking Israeli Druse. It has a reputation for harsh treatment of Arabs.

Border policemen began patrolling Nahhalin about a week before the raid, after youths threw stones at Jewish settlers using a nearby road. Villagers said the policemen had taunted them and shouted obscenities at women.

At 3:30 A.M. on April 13 the force of 30 border policemen raided the village. The army said their mission was to gather intelligence and arrest anyone suspected of stone-throwing. They went that early because it is Ramadan, the holy month when Muslims rise early to eat breakfast before the daylight fast.

The people of Nahhalin were already angry at the behavior of the border police in previous days. Youths began throwing stones. Then, somehow, the police began firing live ammunition.

The army appointed a committee of senior officers to investigate. Exactly what happened may never be certain. But the incident in Nahhalin underlines what 16 months of the intifada have shown: that trying to suppress Palestinian nationalism in the occupied territories brutalizes Israel – and does not work.

Prime Minister Shamir has said repeatedly, most recently on his visit to the United States, that the West Bank and Gaza must remain forever under Israel’s control. It is that premise that requires the policy of force – to suppress the Palestinians instead of negotiating with them.

Israel’s intelligence and military chiefs argue with increasing force that the policy will not work. ”There is no such thing as eradicating the intifada,” Gen. Dan Shomron, the Chief of Staff, said in February, ”because in its essence it expresses the struggle of nationalism.”

The policy damages one of Israel’s precious values, its reputation in the world. After Nahhalin the International Red Cross made a rare public protest against ”violation of fundamental humanitarian law,” saying its private appeals to Israel had gone unheeded. It said the border police had fired ”without discrimination and without restraint.”

American friends of Israel are more and more aware of what the occupation is costing. Even the mainline leaders are speaking up. Two months ago Morris B. Abram, then chairman of the Conference of Presidents of Major American Jewish Organizations, said: ”The status quo is not indefinitely acceptable to American Jews. . . . The occupation is the cause of the disturbances.”

Exactly. Raids and repression cannot make the Palestinian inhabitants of the West Bank and Gaza content with occupation. They want what Jews struggled so long to get for themselves: a place where they can control their own lives.

Passover, which begins this week, should be a time for reflection on the crisis of occupation. It celebrates the freedom of the Jewish people from captivity in Egypt – and the establishment of Jewish national identity. The survival of the Jewish state today requires recognition that another people is entitled to its identity, too.

An attack on Beit Lahia in Gaza during Operation Cast Lead

I happened to come across this op-ed (I don’t know why a 15-year-old was reading the Times op-ed page, but let’s not go there just yet). As a teenager, I wasn’t really listening to Lewis’ message. I was just tuned into what I thought was another piece of Israel-bashing, and I had had enough of it. I just couldn’t take it anymore! So, what does a teenage patriot do? He types a letter to the editor on his little computer (what was that in 1989, some kind of IBM compatible?), but of course!  Here it is:

To the Editor:

(“Occupation is the Cause”, April 16), “The policy damages one of Israel’s precious values, it’s reputation in the world”. May I add – Mr. Lewis isn’t helping much either.

I am a 15 year old boy living in Haifa, Israel. I have much to say of the status quo in my “mischievous” little country, although a prestigious paper such as yours would obviously rather write “white lies” than print my insignificant letter, therefore I’ll try to make this brisk and harmless (May I add, I am a pure leftist, who would love to see the Palestinian people with a home of their own).

The article says that 30 border policemen were sent to raid the village of Nahalin, which cost the lives of 5 Palestinians and many wounded.

The real story: A) Border policemen are patrolling as usual through numerous villages, and arrive at Nahhalin. B) From the speakers of the mosque, calls for Jihad (Holy War) are heard. C) Hundreds of Arabs attack soldiers with sticks, axes and Molotov cocktails. D) Soldiers are forced to shoot large amounts of ammunition in the air. E) After finishing supplies of plastic bullets, soldiers are forced to use live ammunition to fight them off. F) Five killed.

What I’m trying to say here is this: Mr. Lewis is exaggerating just a bit by using the word “raid” and givng the reader a first impression that the border policemen went into the village with an intention to kill, which I’ve proved is wrong.

But the real point is that this humble exaggeration can give the reader the totally wrong impression he\she should be getting – the right one. I have noticed, since the beginning of the intifidada, that this technique is used not only by Mr. Lewis, but by many other reporters covering the happaenings in the occupied territotries. All this technique does is give some more juice to the article and the reporter’s paycheck. Wonderful, we all gain from it, but someone pays for it. Who pays? Israel. What’s the cost? As mentioned before – its reputation in the world.

This incident suddenly comes to mind. 300 civilians killed in Caracas, Venezuela in one day. Cause: rise of costs for bus fares. Now isn’t that droll? Not to me nor to anyone else. So why don’t reporters chew on that for a while? (Didn’t see any nice juicy headlines for that in this “prestigous” paper, whose motto is nonetheless – “All the News that’s Fit to Print”). I’ll never know. Do you reporters have something against us? If not, get off our case, OK?

Ami Kaufman

Haifa, Israel,

April 18, 1989   

Now, if we put aside my bad grammar and poor writing skills, you’ll notice that this letter has a lot more flaws than you think. Turns out Mr. Lewis was a much better journalist than I was back then. First of all, I totally distorted the Caracas riots. They weren’t all killed in one day, and the bus fares weren’t the only cause.

In fact, Lewis told the story in Nahhalin quite the way it happened. And this was even before the IDF investigated the events. Later on in the month, the IDF reprimanded a top ranking colonel, and removed two other officers from the their posts. The probe also found out that the soldiers used their weapons incorrectly, beat a handcuffed Palestinian, lied to their superiors and more.

The conclusions of this report were published in early May, 1989. As far as I remember, Nahhalin was history to me, I don’t think I even knew then that the army had reached conclusions concerning its actions. 

Of course, until, my mother told me one day that I had letter from the NYTimes. I’m writing these lines just after having returned from my parent’s house in Haifa, searching in vain for this letter, which I’m pretty sure I kept – but seemed to have lost. But I remember exactly what it looked like. It was of a cream-ish color, and the logo of the paper was embossed on the front. On the back was Anthony Lewis’ name. He wrote back.

I remember the excitement reading the letter, but also the disappointment from it. I can’t remember the exact wording of it, but I do remember it was a dry reasoning of his op-ed, that in fact it was I who had my facts wrong and so on. I think he also wrote something about editorial decision making and so forth. Darn, I wish I could find that letter! Anyway, I think I read that letter a zillion times over the next two weeks.

Looking back on this incident, I wonder if this may have had some kind of effect on me going in to journalism later on in life, and eventually working for the Israeli NYTimes, Ha’aretz. But whatever the reason, one thing is for sure – I owe Lewis an apology. So Anthony, if you’re out there reading blogs on Israel… I’m sorry!

But back to the reason for this post. Although I got the Caracas story all wrong, the REASON I put it there was spot on. I do believe that Israel is held to higher standards in many cases, and that the media singles Israel out in an almost automatic way. I also believe that some of it is due to anti-Semitism and simple hatred. 

Confused? A lefty like me saying we’re being singled out? Yup. It’s true. I do believe we’re singled out. But I also believe the occupation is one of the most horrendous crimes taking place these days, and I want it over and done with.

But even if we are singled out, that gives us no right to yell “victims!” after the Goldstone report. Instead of claiming that others around the world commit atrocities too (as if two wrongs make a right – how childish is that?), and that they should be accountable as well, this report should be a chance to ask ourselves how we acted in operation Cast Lead, and investigate seriously any wrongdoings that might have taken place.

20 years have passed since Lewis’ op-ed, and I’m no longer the uber-patriot I was. I’m also no longer the “have-you-hugged-your-Palestinian-today” peacenik. I’m extremely critical and dissapointed with both sides.

But if I’ve taken anything from this stroll down memory lane, it’s that both sides should be ashamed. Ashamed that nothing has changed since the first intifada. Ashamed that we actually think we’re still victims and that occupation is legitimate. Ashamed that thinking violence is the only way to go and that fundamentalism and religion will solve all problems. And most of all, ashamed that a 20-year-old op-ed can look like it was written just yesterday. 

Just Sign Here

The untimely death of Assaf Ramon has brought to the surface a very interesting debate that has actually been going on for years in Israel. Ramon was the son of Ilan Ramon, Israel’s first astronaut who died in the Colombia disaster. The minute the story broke, people started saying: “His mother should never have signed the papers”.

So, what exactly are these papers? In Israel, any 18 year old who has a relative who was killed in combat must get at least one parent to sign a consent form to join and serve in a combat unit. Otherwise he’ll be what Israelis call a “jobnik” – a derogatory term for any kind of service that isn’t in the field.

The battle over the service of “bereaved sons” is being waged across the media spectrum, and it’s quite amazing to see the wide array of views on the topic. The parents, of course, have a natural tendency to keep their child safe, but also to fulfill their every wish. While the army has to deal with pressure from both the family and from the soldier to be.

When I was 18, I faced a similar dilemma. My status as an only child meant I was in the same position as a bereaved son. I needed that signature. And boy, did I want to be combat. I was so gung-ho on being in the paratroopers, I probably would have had a red beret tatooed on my yet-to-be-so-hairy chest. I was such a patriot, I had a picture of Ehud Barak taped on one of my closet doors, when he was in full military attire as then-chief of staff (but don’t get me started on what I think about him now). Die for my country? Sure. No question.

But the folks had a different idea. They weren’t going to sign. This was probably one of the most defining moments in my relationship with my parents. I felt they were making decisions that weren’t their’s to make anymore, now that I was 18. In the end, we reached a sort of compromise, with my parents agreeing to let me serve in the Navy. No infantry for me.

The boat I served on for 3 long years - INS Geula

For this post, I recently asked my mother to tell me how she felt back then in 1991, and here’s what she wrote: 

“When, as parents of an only child, we were given the right to allow or prevent you from being “Kravi” (combat), we, without any hesitation, signed for your service in the Navy. We signed but we restricted you to serve in what we believed was the lesser of all evils. Your survival was paramount to us, but not because you were an only child, and we thought our lives would end if something happened to you. We just wanted to insure, in any way we could, that you would emerge from those three years unharmed, at least physically. For your sake, we wanted YOU to live.
“Also, in our view, there are other definitions of who is a bereaved parent.  I was (am) a parent who (thank G-d) never lost a child. But I did lose my mother when I was eight years old. For me, that was enough bereavement for a lifetime. I didn’t want any more.
“Those were the reasons for our decisions.”

First of all, Mom, thank God you didn’t know the places that missile boat took me. If you knew, you’d probably need a couple of large shots of some of my nice single malt (thanks again, Mom).

But on a more serious note, as the father of a small girl (and another one on the way), I understand why my parents acted as they did. I also understood when I was 18, but I think I understand better now. Did they make the right decision? Yes. And no. Yes, it was their duty as parents to make that call. And no, I still believe it wasn’t their right to make it. 

But I will say this: If I were in their shoes, I would probably act the same way.

There have been calls to consecrate in law a ban on conscripting bereaved sons into combat units. True, this would take the burden off the parents’ shoulders. And the young men might just look at it as a given, and accept the “job” in the office. Although, I’m not sure if the High Court of Justice could uphold such a law if a swarm of 18 years olds took legal action, arguing that their rights were being infringed upon.

I don’t believe there should be such a law. I think the state, and its citizens, must understand that if you let an 18 year old vote in an election, and more importantly hold a rifle and teach him how to take the life of an enemy, you no longer have the right to prevent him from making life changing choices. They must understand that soldiers die in conflicts, and that people the same age also die in car accidents and from illness. Their lives are no less important. You don’t see anyone trying to ban 18 year olds from getting their driving licenses, do you?

There’s a reason why countries all over the world take 18 year old men into military service. Because physically we’re a man, and mentally we’re still a bit of a boy. We can climb any mountain, we still get a kick out of playing cowboys and Indians, and we’re easily brainwashed. That’s what I was back then. Brainwashed. Since then I’ve learned to hate my country as much as I love it. And I love it a lot. Loads.

Die for it? Hmmm… not so sure any more…

Farewell Gidster

 

Gidi, my dear beloved pooch, I hope all is well with you in doggie heaven.

I just wanted to say sorry.

Sorry for not taking you down enough.

Sorry for keeping you holed up in a small Tel Aviv flat, when you should have been running all around.

Sorry for kicking you in the ribs after you ate my brand new SLR.

Sorry about all those shmucks who used to cross the street when they saw you because you’re an Amstaff.

Sorry I paid you less attention after Emma was born.

And thanks.

Thanks for adopting me, 9 years ago, when our paths crossed outside the Ha’aretz building in south Tel Aviv.

Thanks for loving Karen so much, and being so gentle with baby Emma (today she already asked me where you were).

Thanks for being so patient.

Thanks for letting me pet you when I needed it.

Thanks for just being my best friend…

I love you!

Ami

Izzie in HolyLand – Part 4

(Telephone rings)

Izzie: Hello?

Barack: Hey Izzie, it’s me…

Izzie: Baracky?! Is that you baby?

Barack: Yeah, did I wake you?

Izzie: It’s OK baby, you can call me anytime… you OK?

Barack: Yeah, yeah…. It’s just…

Izzie: What… you can tell me…

Barack: I dunno. Rahm showed me this piece in Haaretz… Kinda got me thinking…

Izzie: Well, if it’s Rahm, then it can’t be that important. What is it?

Barack: Something about you meeting with some settlers…

Izzie: Oh… that one. What about it?

Barack: What about it? I think you know “what about it”…

Izzie: Look, Barack, it’s 3 am, just tell me what bothered you, OK?

Barack: Alright, alright. I still think you know, though, but if you want me to spell it out for you, fine. I’m talking about when the discussion came to the settlement freeze, and you said “At the end of the day, we all want the same thing. But we have to act wisely…”.

Izzie:…

Barack: Izzie?

Izzie: Yeah, I’m here. So?

Barack: So?…

Izzie: What’s the problem?

Barack: The “problem”, Izzie, is that I get the feeling you’re not being straight with me. I have a feeling you’re saying one thing to me, and another to that Ketsale guy you keep seeing.

Izzie: Is that what this is about? You think I’m cheating on you with Ketsale? Oh, Baracky….

Barack: What…

Izzie: You know better than that.

Barack: I don’t know any more, Izzie… I just don’t know…

Izzie: Oh, c’mon, you gotta give me more credit Baracky, baby…

Barack: And then I hear that you approve more construction in the West Bank, after we reached a deal on it, after you told me you’d put a freeze on it, and that was it – no more building. I mean, what’s up with that?

Izzie: (Stretches and yawns loudly) Ooooh boy, am I tired. Can we talk about this in the morning?

Barack: Izzie!!!!

Izzie: What….???

Barack: Izzie, I’m trying to get something going here before we meet with Palestine, when you guys both come to New York at the end of the month. And you’re pulling off these crazy stunts! It’s just a slap in the face!

Izzie: I’m sorry: Are you yelling at me?

Barack: NO!!!

Izzie: Cuz it sounds like you’re yelling at me. And if you are, I think you should call me back when you calm down.

Barack: ….

Izzie: … Now, take a deep breath. Call me in a few hours, and I’ll explain everything, OK?

Barack: Promise?

Izzie: Yes baby, I promise

Barack: OK… Bye honey….

Izzie: Bye Baracky…. Anyway, it’s only another 500 units. (hangs up)

Barack: What??? Izzie?? You there?!?!? What did she say? Sh-t!!!!!!!!!!!

Have They No Shame?

Hi Guys!

It’s time for some more Cellcom bashing! But this time it’s not about politics, fences and soldiers. No, this time it’s about simple creativity.

So, do me a favor and watch this short, new commercial they put out this week.

Pretty cool, huh? Yeah, I like it, too. I’m tellin’ ya, those guys at McCann Erickson are soooo creative. They can do anything when they put their minds to it. But I can’t shake this feeling, it reminds me a bit of something I’ve seen before. Hmmmm… I dunno… maybe… THIS?

(This is an amazing clip of a Japanese band, all the people in are its fans. And the songs is kinda catchy, don’t ya think?)

You ever get that feeling, like you just can’t wait for the next Cellcom ad? What will they think of next?!?

My Battle with VSS

The first time I felt something might have been wrong was when Karen got all dressed up to go out for dinner with me. She was looking great, and we were about to celebrate my birthday with a nice Italian meal. Emma was standing right next to me, and as we both admired her mother, I bent down to Emma and said: “Look at your mother, tell her how beautiful she is!”. Emma looked at me in disbelief, almost as if she was saying “Dad, she’s right there. Tell her yourself”.

Karen saw I was distressed, but immediately took my hand, “Ami, it’s nothing. Don’t worry.” But she knew I was extremely worried indeed. It wasn’t the first time. I’ve been speaking to other people through Emma on various occasions. Sometimes to other parents at her kindergarden, with the usual “Emma, look, isn’t Itai nice for giving you his toy?”, or to the cashier at the supermarket “Emma, say thank you to the nice cashier”.

I told Karen “That’s it, I’m going to get this checked. I can’t take it.”

Next day, Emma and I went to our family doctor. I told him all the symptoms. Emma started to make some noise and picked up a pen from the doctor’s table. “Emma, put that pen down before the nice doctor gets angry!” The doctor immediately grunted, and leaned back in his chair. “I see this all the time. It’s no big deal. You’ve got VSS”.

“VSS?!?! What’s that?!?! Is it contagious???”

“No, don’t worry. It’s not contagious, and it’s easily cured.”

“OK, but what is it for G-d’s sake??? Emma!!!! Stop it! The nice doctor is telling me how long I have to live, so please calm down!”

“It’s Vicarious Speech Syndrome. You’re talking to other people through your daughter. I have a lot of information, and there are some great support groups for it.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. As I picked up Emma to leave the office, I said “Emma, tell the nice doctor thank you and that we appreciate his help”. I immediately put my hand over my mouth. “Oops. Sorry Doc….”

“No worries. Just go to the support group”.

The next day I took Emma to the group. It was full of young parents like me, with their kids on their knees. The counsellor introduced me and asked all the parents to welcome me to the group. Just then, all the parents yelled their kid’s name and ordered them:”Tell Ami we love him! Go on! Say ‘We love you Ami!’”

Paradise in Rosh Pina

Karen and I usually do our zimmer-vacationing in a small village called Matat, near the Lebanese border. We like it up there, because it’s very secluded. But this time we went up to Rosh Pina, because we wanted to be closer to some restaurants and shopping.

After hours searching the net, and almost giving up, I stumbled upon a little zimmer (cabin) called “Gloria’s Romantic Garden of Eden”. I immediately called up, after seeing the pics on the site, and Gloria answered the phone. She asked if I spoke English, and I told her I was, well, a “Half & Half”, and she yelled out to her husband “Jerald! There’s a nice American boy on the phone who wants to come over!”.

The room is situated at the bottom of their old stone house, with walls so thick you don’t need air-conditioning in the August heat. And boy, was it hot then. The small yet cozy room has everything you need, but one of the perks is the private swimming pool just outside. Most places that have pools have to share it with at least 3 or 4 other zimmers. So this was nice.

But the biggest perk of all are those two Brits, Gloria and Jerald. Gloria makes an amazing breakfast, and you can sit with her forever, listening to her about her life in England, Memphis (yeah, Memphis!), Manhattan, her father who was a chazan, her crazy parties in NY and her close friendship with Nina Simone and Shoshana Damari (with pics to prove it!). Jerald will tell you all about the house, situated smack in the center of the old restored part of the moshava. Menachem Begin himself hid in the house from the British on the 1940’s!

So, this is defenitely a Half & Half zimmer for all my Half & Half readers out there! Enjoy!

Press here for more info: http://www.hapisga.co.il/zimers/z220.php

She Knows Nose!

Ami: I think I’m gonna write about OPOL.

Karen: What?

Ami: OPOL. I wanna write about it.

Karen: Write about what?

Ami: OPOL. Jesus, do I have to spell it out for you?

Karen: Yes please.

Ami: O-P-O-L. OPOL.

Karen: The car?

Ami: Not Opel. OPOL! OPOL! We do it everyday!

Karen: We do an OPOL everyday?

Ami: Ya know what? I think I like this game…

Karen: Damn it Ami, what is it?!

Ami: OPOL?

Karen: YES!!!!

Ami: But you just gave me a great start for my blog entry.

Karen:  Wait…

Ami: For what?

Karen:  I think I know what it is…

Ami: Nu…

Karen:  One Parent One Language?

Ami: Darn. Thought I could’ve kept it goin’ a bit longer. Oh well…

Karen:  Nice try, Ami. Nice try… 

A few days ago, I picked Emma up, and asked her where her ear was. I like to ask Emma where her ear is. Not because I think she’s lost it or anything, but because I like hearing her say “ear” while shoving her cute little index finger down it, almost enough to scrape her eardrum. 

After she did it, she immediately pointed to her nose and said “Af!”. I think I scared her when my eyes almost popped out, and then yelled “Karen! She knows nose!” 

In a way, it was the first time we got a glimpse to see how this whole OPOL experiment was going. We knew from the get-go we wanted Emma to be bilingual, and after a few searches on the net decided to try out OPOL – One Parent One Language. The rule is, I speak to Emma in Hebrew, and Karen in English. No ifs, ands or “aval”s… Emma’s about 20 months old now, and even though she goes to Hebrew day-care, she knows quite a few more words in English than in Hebrew. I believe Karen’s teaching abilities might have something to do with it. And till now, Emma would point at the various features on her angelic face in English alone: “Eeya!” (ear), “No!” (nose), “Chee!” (chin), “Mau” (mouth) and ”Eye” (thank God).  

But lo and behold, here she was, in my arms, pointing at my “Af!”, scratching my “Naim!” (oznayim) and inserting her hand, albeit at times deep enough to make one gag, down my “Peh!”. 

Still, I can’t help but be a bit apprehensive about the way it might affect her development in a Hebrew speaking society. The rule of thumb is that OPOL might at first slow down one’s verbal development, but later on in life it picks up to normal speed. We’ll just have to wait and see. 

But all in all, it seems like she’s off to a good start. She cetainly makes her “Aba!” proud.

Is the Dealin’ Done?

I used to be a news-aholic. That’s easy in Israel. Throw a stone and you’ll probably hit a reporter. Not recommended, though. You might be shot by a trigger-happy soldier. But, I digress.

I say it’s easy, because there are news shows from 5pm to 9pm, and then 10:30 and afterwards too. Tons of news on the radio. On the net. We’re swamped with news.

And I used to work at a major daily newspaper (Ha’aretz). Let me tell you, I was hooked back then. But it was part of my job. I had to. I never, ever, missed the main news show at 8pm. Never.

But now? Now I’m glued to a different show, and it starts at 7:30, and goes on untill 9. That’s right. You guessed it. The World Poker Tour. I started watching the World Poker Tour about six months ago. Since then I’ve started to play online poker, tried to decipher my first poker book, and have lately spent every other Wednesday night at a Tel Aviv bar playing Texas Hold ‘em. It’s cool. I pay 20 shekels, play against 20 or so other people around 3 tables, and the winner at the final table gets a bottle of whiskey. So far, I’ve only made it to heads-up…

But I can’t tell you which bar it is. Because gambling is illegal in Israel. And I like the guys who own this place, they’re nice kids, so I won’t ruin it for them (I know the cops read my blog on their doughnut break. Actually, I have no clue what cops in Israel eat on a doughnut break. Burekas?).

Israeli governments have consistently opposed opening a casino and legalizing any sort of gambling in Israel, even though on any street corner you can play the lottery, scratch chance cards the whole day, and bet on fixed soccer matches. So, what have Israelis done who despite that want to feel some green felt under their fingers? Before the Al-Aqsa intifada they used to buy chips in the casino in Jericho. When it got too scary, they started flying out to Turkey and Romania. And nowadays they keep their fingers crossed that the campaign to open a casino in Eilat isn’t some sort of bluff.

Billy Baxter

But what I really wanted to talk about was a recent court ruling from March 23. In another blow to the local poker scene, the High Court of Justice dismissed an appeal by the Israeli Poker Association to hold a Hold ‘em tournament in Tel Aviv. The IPA claimed that Hold’ em is a game of skill – not chance. Pretty straightforward argument, when you think about it. I mean, look at all those poker shows on TV. They have the same sharks reaching the final tables each time – and trust me, they’re being dealt the same cards as everyone else. But the honorable judges would hear nothing of it.

But elsewhere, courts have been more understanding to Hold ‘em. Probably the most famous case in this matter is that of Billy Baxter, who stood up to the IRS – and won. In 1986, the IRS ruled that Baxter’s $1.2 million in gambling winnings from 1978 to 1981 was “unearned income”. Under the tax laws back then, “unearned income” was taxable at the maximum rate of 70 percent. Baxter believed that he should pay the same tax any other athlete pays for his winnings. In his ruling, the judge said, “I find the government’s argument to be ludicrous. I just wish you had some money and could sit down with Mr. Baxter and play some poker.” He ruled that the government give Baxter his money back – with interest. Baxter won the subsequent appeals, as well. Poker players in the States owe Baxter a lot. More than a lot.

I’ve been thinking lately, with everyone talking about Wall St and what not. Isn’t it strange how we let young whippersnappers gamble with our pensions, lose it, and then get bonuses for that ”great job” they did? Or How Madoff can gamble 50 billion dollars of other peoples’ money? Or how Israeli tycoons won’t sell their yachts and jets, but at the same time don’t want to give bond holders their money back on time? But me, I have to sneak out in the dark to play some Hold ‘em? Where’s the justice? And where’s our Baxter?

P.S. Don’t ask me how I played last night. I made a mistake and chose to watch Israel lose to Greece. Pathetic. Trust me, I’m gonna write about these guys….

The bubble on the Yarkon

Every time I tell someone I was born in Tel Aviv, my wife rolls her eyes. I guess she’s right in a way. The hospital I was born in was in fact in Tel Aviv, “Asuta” hospital, on Jabotinsky St. But my folks lived in Ra’anana at the time, 20 minutes away. So, basically that’s where I spent my first few years. Later on, I had a great childhood in the city on Mt. Carmel, Haifa.

Since I got out of the army, I’ve managed to live for about 10 years in Tel Aviv, on and off, switching apartments on an almost yearly basis. I often lived quite close to Asuta, and every once in a while as I passed by on my vespa, I couldn’t help but give a quick peek to acknowledge the place where I took my first breath. So, in some wierd way, I see myself as Tel Avivi as they come.

But why is that label so important to me? I guess it’s simply because I love this town so much. TLV turns 100 this year, and the city is gearing up for a big shindig. It should. It has everything. Except for parking, that is (the joke goes that Saddam’s Scuds never landed here because they couldn’t find a space). OK, and the weather during the summer can be intolerable, I know. Sometimes it seems like even the smallest effort, like lifting an espresso, can make you break into a sweat. And I know, I know, the rent is as high as the Upper West Side. I know…  But more than anything, TLV is simply cool. Good ‘ole Fonzy cool. Even the NYTimes dubbed it the capital of Mediterranean cool.

When I lived in the adjacent suburb of Givatayim, I remember the feeling I had when crossing over the Ayalon freeway into Tel Aviv. It just has a different vibe to it. And you can barely see the difference between the two cities, all the buildings look exactly the same. But you can feel it. Kind of like how you feel when you enter Manhattan. I know, Tel Aviv ain’t no Manhattan. But it’s the closest thing we got. And it ain’t too shabby, if you don’t mind me saying…

Probably my favorite part is the beach. I don’t know many large cities around the world where the beach is practically walking distance from any part of town. And it’s a great beach. And you can go in the winter, too. Because there really isn’t a winter in Tel Aviv to begin with. The Med does the city well, kind of an offset to the ugly, boring architecture (except for a few Bauhaus gems here and there). 

Actually, just about everyting in TLV is in walking distance. It’s only about 50 square km big, and only has a population of 400,000. But it’s the capital of a much larger metropolis surrounding it, of almost 3 miliion people. Some would say it’s the capital of the country, and I would agree. But that might anger a few (of my readers?). Because everyone outside of TLV says we live in a bubble, that we don’t know anything else about the rest of Israel, about the “world that’s out there”. That all we care about are our newspapers, our theaters, our cinemas, our rock shows, our cafes, restaurants, the amazing nightlife. All these are usually mentioned in one breath with the words “Shenkin St.” (the street that seems to epitomize Tel Aviv to outsiders), in the most derogatory tone you’ve ever heard. I swear, people can sound so venomous and snake-like when they say it: “Ohhhh, you Tel Avivis and your cafes on SSSSShhhhhenkin……” 

I couldn’t care less about those people. Let them say what they want. If Tel Aviv is a bubble, than it’s a bubble of culture in a land that hasn’t much appreciation for it, a bubble of liberalism in a land where conservatives and religious fanatics seem to be multiplying like rabbits (see latest election results), a bubble of secularism in a land surrounded by people willing to die for mud and rocks, a bubble of sanity. Now that’s my kind of bubble. Please, don’t let it burst…

gesundheit?

30 ministers (5 of them with no portfolio), 8 deputy ministers – and not one guy willing to be Minister of Health.
How sad it doesn’t even have anyting to do with April Fool’s Day…

http://www.israelnationalnews.com/News/News.aspx/130713

Freud would have a field day

I’m tired of Israeli sports. So tired, that not only do I never expect any Israeli athlete to ever win anything, I’m simply tired of being disappointed by how badly we lose. That’s how frustrated I am. I watch tennis, soccer and basketball games, and keep my fingers crossed until the clock runs down that it won’t be a total embarrasment. Please G-d, don’t let the insult sting too much. I’m not asking for much…

Last week Israel lost to Greece, 1-2 in Crete. The first match was a boring 1-1 tie. I was sitting with my buddy Shai during the 2nd game, and we both wished it would just end already. We were so tired. Tired of the hype, caused by both the media and the coach and players, that made us think we had a chance to beat a mediocre team like Greece. That makes us think like that every game, as if we always have a chance to win and reach the World Cup, this time! As if each game is the most important game of all. And we fall for it every time. Well, no more! Israeli soccer (and other sports venues) suck big time! We’ll never make it! We’re just not good enough! So let’s just sit back, and when the game comes on, switch the channel! I’ll bet you every time we’ll lose. And I’ll make good money on those bets, trust me.

For years I always used to hear that we suck because of the wars. We suck because all the budget goes to tanks, not to stadiums. That’s partly true. Athletes in Israel have it tough. And it’s going to get worse, most probably, now that Limor Livnat is once again Bibi’s Sports Minister. The only memorable thing she did last time was jump on the podium with Gal Friedman in Athens when he won the gold. As if she fought the waves herself.

But it’s so obvious it goes much deeper than that. It’s all about mentality. Israeli ahtletes aren’t winners. They’re not fighters. They don’t have that fire in their eyes that you see in athletes from different countries.

What’s funny is, that our national coach actually recognized that problem. But instead of trying to fix it himself (get this… are you sitting down?) he asked Colonel Ilan Malka of the Givati brigade, who helped “win” the last war in Gaza, to give his “soldiers” a pep talk and show them “how it’s done”.

So, I guess coach Kashtan thought, hey, we’re good at dying for our country, we’re willing to sacrifice our own life and take the lives of others for a peace of grass in Samaria – why not convince our guys to go kamikaze on the grass in Ramat Gan? Holy crap! Have we gone nuts? And how sad is it that a national coach doesn’t think he can fire up his players by himself, so he turns to an IDF colonel to do it for him?

And then, when I was watching the first game in Ramat Gan, I started to understand, that this is the only thing we know. I heard the Greek fans singing some songs – but noticed that Israel never sang one song at all. The whole match, our fans had only one chant: “Israel War! Israel War”! You would think that a people who turned out the likes of Leonard Bernstein and the Gershwin brothers could come up with a tune for their team. But no. Just one, monotonous chant, of two words. 40 thousand Israelis crammed in a stadium yelling for war, after their team gets a pep talk from a Colonel whose army killed over a thousand Palestinans in a few weeks. Freud would have a field day.

half & half music

There’s no such thing.

But I was listening to this song on the radio a few days ago, and it’s half in English, half in Hebrew. Don’t know why. Good tune though, by “Habanot Nechama” (the Nechama Girls). Pretty much a one hit wonder, so far (you’ll see why that’s funny when you listen to the chorus…)

 

the onion that’ll make you cry – from laughing

Every once in a while, I plan on posting a video from The Onion. These guys are just too good….

Feeling guilty, until the next page

I’d really like to have a beer with Sayed Kashua. So do a lot of people in Israel, trust me. Kashua is the guy we could show to our friends, here and abroad, and say “Look, my best buddy is an Arab. See? We get along great, we even get drunk together. So I’m not a racist when I say ‘Some of my best friends are Arabs’. He really is an Arab!” 

The truth is, a lot of people like me grew up in Israel, and never really mingled with Arabs. I grew up in Haifa, the “City of co-existence”. But I only saw them when I went down the hill to buy a shawarma. They lived in their neighborhoods, and I lived in mine. They went to their schools, and I went to mine. In some places it’s like that with blacks in America. I was a freshman in high school in Binghamton, NY, in 1987. Can’t remember seeing many blacks up there.

I served in the navy, so I didn’t meet Palestinians at checkpoints, roadblocks or while enforcing curfews. Even when I was shot at by Arabs (Lebanese, in this case), I couldn’t see them, they were so far away (unlike Ehud Barak, I never saw the “whites in their eyes”). All in all, I led an Arab-free existence in a country predominately concerned with them.

 The closest experience I had with Arabs was when I opened up a cafe. Like students, Arabs are willing to be exploited in the restaurant industry for ridiculously low wages. I took part in this fiasco. Maybe that’s one reason why I failed. Karma, you might say… Anyway, I got along with the Arabs who worked in my kitchen. But just barely. We had nothing whatsoever in common. Seriously, what can you have in common with a cook who’s late for work because he got held up at a checkpoint? Sometimes the lack of communication got me angry, which led to thoughts I can only call, with much shame, “racist”. And I’ve voted left every election…

Later on I got to work for a (very) short period with a few Palestinians at radio RAM FM. But most of my interaction with them was via phone to Ramallah.

But Kashua? He’s an intellectual, and an amazing writer. He’s educated, his Hebrew is flawless. Better than mine. And he makes us laugh. He’s kind of like the Israeli Dave Barry, but with a twist – he’s Arab. He talks about his drinking, flirting with other women, daily life problems, happy moments with his Israeli friends. Yet, in every column, he manages to remind us about his origins, sometimes in a more subtle manner than others. He’ll make us laugh, and then, when our guard is down, he’ll remind us that he’s a second rate citizen. And we’ll feel guilty. For a minute. That’s the problem with us here. Guilt doesn’t last too long. In most cases, only until the next page.

 Kashua has been writing for the Ha’aretz weekend magazine a few years now, and has recently been pushed up to the front, right behind veteran columnist Doron Rosenblum. Doesn’t get any better than that. Except, of course, if he overtakes Rosenblum one day.

I wonder, sometimes, why Haaretz did that. Sure, he’s a great writer, but does he deserve to be up there? Is he there because he’s Arab? Is it some kind of affirmative action? If so, isn’t that actually working against the cause? Is he a fig leaf? And why would a paper like Haaretz need a fig leaf in the first place, when they publish the likes of Gideon Levy and Amira Hass? Funny, but Gideon Levy used to have that same spot in the magazine. Then they moved him way back to the end, and then they transferred him from the magazine to the Week in Review supplement. He was just too painful to read, I guess. And when you think about it, in a way, Levy is a lot more Palestinian than Kashua will ever be.

You see, Kashua is in the bizarre position where we might actually feel comfortable with discrimanating against Arabs. He can make us say: “Look, look at Sayed. He made it to the top. So can you. Just try harder…”

I still want to have a beer with him, though…

Here’s a link to one of his fine columns: http://www.haaretz.com/hasen/spages/1065554.html
And a piece the NYTimes did about him:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/07/world/middleeast/07kashua.html?ref=world

The Arsification of Israel

Don’t worry, I won’t be telling any Ars jokes, or show you that clip about how to identify an Ars in the wild and all that crap. (oh well, here it is…. come on, it’s funny!)

First of all, I certainly hope all of you know what an Ars is…. But for those who don’t (probably residing over the pond), I found this hilarious definition in Wikipedia:

 ”Ars (Arabic: عرص‎, Hebrew: ערס‎), or Arsim (plural) is a mildly tongue-in-cheek, derogatory/self-deprecating Hebrew slang term describing the Israeli stereotype of a person of bad manners, flashy jewelry, and overall rudeness, associated with “low class” Sephardi or Mizrahi Jews, usually of Moroccan background. A female Ars is usually Arsit, also known as a Freha (פרחה), or sometimes Fakatsa (פקצה), today an abbreviation including the word Freha as well. The Tel Aviv District’s lower-income cities of Bat Yam and Holon are often associated with Arsim.[1] Arsim are the butt of many jokes by Israeli stand-up comedians, such as Naor Zion, Shalom Asayag, Yaakov Cohen and others who themselves hail from small towns with significant Ars influence.

In the Arabic language ars denotes a “young shepherd,” but in Cairo and other Arab cities is generally used to denote a pimp. A long form used sometimes is arsawwat.[1]

Characteristics

Some stereotypical Ars characteristics are: pants worn very low (tayba), bling jewellery, an absence of respect for women, poor Hebrew language usage, excessive use of slang (see chav for a close analogy), and employment of Hebrew phrases such as “lama mi met?” (“why, who died?”) whenever criticized for rude behavior (especially on the road). It is also associated with spitting on the road, smoking, and computer illiteracy or a very occasional computer usage. It is considered by some to denote violence.

Arsim in Israel usually listen to Hiphop music or Mizrahi music (eastern music or Arabic music). In the US, Arsim tend to listen to a late-1990s variety of Tel Aviv Techno, with some of them even becoming promoters and DJs of this type of music in NYC and other large American cities”.

On the whole, not a bad definition. But on one point I beg to differ.

You see, the problem is that Arsim can no longer be associated with ethnic background alone, or even geographical location. In my opinion, Arsism (the ideology of the Ars) is in fact a sort of cultural cancer, silently spreading its tentacles around all of Israeli society. Arsim are no longer only Sephardi, or only from Bat Yam. They’re everywhere. They’re Ashkenazi, they’re Sephardi, they’re Arab. They even live in Tel Aviv. In north Tel Aviv! I mean, like, hello???….. WTF???

They are among us. They’re your neighbours. Heck, one of them could even be reading this post, disguising himself to be cultured and computer savvy, when all he really wants to do is go to a pseudo-greek tavern and listen to Shlomi Saranga belt out a “Yasoo!”, or sit in the bleachers in Teddy stadium, and yell racial slurs against Arabs as sunflower seed shells stick to the edges of his mouth.

Arsism is a frame of mind. It no longer has anything to do with your background. In fact, most people prefer to act like an Ars in Israel, because if they don’t, they’re considered weak. And not just any kind of weak. No… we’re talking about Ashkenazi weak, better known as ‘laflaf’. It’s the worst kind of weakness there is. Cuz if you’re a laflaf, you’re not a man. You’re not a hombre. And the thing is, you don’t have to be Ashkenazi to be a laflaf. Because it’s not about how dark your skin is anymore. It all boils down to how you act. And to be frank, most people in Israel act exactly like the Arsim in the Wikipedia definition. They act like that on the road, in the supermarket, in the cinema, at the cafe. And they’re a majority.

There aren’t many of us left. The sane. The polite. The patient.

Nope. We’re a dying breed…

It’s almost as if after 60 years in the region, Israelis have lost those delicate European attributes, and have taken on the more prickly characteristics needed to live in the Mideast. You could call it assimilation, in a way. Maybe, 60 years from now, we and our neighbours will all be Arsim, thus eliminating the need for war. Wait a minute…. No!!! Are you thinking what I’m thinking???

Could Arsism actually be the road to peace???

the beginning of the end

 Exactly one year ago today, Israeli police raided the radio station RAM FM in Jerusalem. The raid signalled the beginning of the end, and the station eventually closed down in August. I had the privilege to work at the station for a few months just before it went off the air. It was a great project, and it ended due to gross mismanagement of the station, and most probably political pressure. We’ll never know.

All I know is, that every one of us who worked there wishes someone, somewhere would pick up the gauntlet…

http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1207486215081&pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull

http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull&cid=1218104259920

A policeman and staff during the raid, April 7 2008

Separated at Birth

A good friend of mine is looking for a hospital. She’s very pregnant, and it’s time to do the rounds, see which place is clean, which has the atmosphere you want, how many people they allow in the room, if they permit doulas and so on.

 It’s also a chance for the hospitals to market themselves for a very important source of income. They get 8,000 shekels (just over 2,000 dollars) for each mother that comes through their doors, from National Insurance (Social Security). That’s a lot of money, especially when you multiply it by the number of women giving birth daily in Israel.

It took me back to the same tour that me and Karen did just before Emma was born. It was a tour at the hospital that Karen eventually gave birth in. The walk around the maternity ward was fine, and everything seemed quite orderly and impressive. At the end we were taken to a small conference room to talk a bit more about the procedures and to answer any questions we might have. Most people seemed to be worried about the usual things, like how many nurses are on each shift, how many doctors, how soon can you get an epidural. But then, one woman had a question about post-birth accomodation. She didn’t care how many new mothers would be in the room with her. All she cared about was if there were going to be any Arab mothers in the room with her (she didn’t even say “Arab”, but instead used the common “our cousins” term). And although she didn’t say it specifiaclly, bascially she wanted to know if this hospital was going to commit the sin of integration. 

The shock was so big, I thanked God I was already in a hospital. But what shocked me more, was that everyone else in the room seemed relieved. Relieved that someone else finally asked the question for them, that they were itching to ask too. And if that wasn’t enough, the nurse’s response got to me even more. First of all, she wasn’t taken aback. I could tell she gets this one every time. And her answer was just as prepared, smooth and ironed out as her scrubs. I can’t tell you that I remember what her exact wording was, but I do remember she effortlessly managed to calm down this disconcerted woman by assuring her that Jewish and Arab mothers would not be holding their newborns in the same room, and at the same time managed to avoid making it sound like official hospital policy. A real pro.

As I said, Karen gave birth to Emma at this hospital, and we had a wonderful experience there. I had a few chances to walk around the ward, pushing little Princess Emma in her transparent cart, and to my dismay witnessed the segragation de facto that I expected to see. Funny enough, we eventually had an Arab mother in our room, probably because the ”other” section was already full. Maternity wards were crowded those days, it was the baby boom of the second Lebanese War. I admit, she did speak a bit too loud on her cell phone at times, but show me an Israeli who doesn’t…

I remember recounting this story to a few of my friends later on, and their response was just as dissapointing. Most of it was along the lines of “What do you want? You just gave birth, do you really want a whole Arab hamula on your head playing darbuka all day? Isn’t giving birth hard enough already?” I don’t remember any Arabs playing darbuka in my hospital, or a hamula having a hafla in the hallway. If anything, the Israelis made a lot more noise.

In an article in Ha’aretz, January 2006, Eli Ashkenazi reported that two hospitals up north were doing the same thing. Back then, the spokesperson for the Ziv hospital in Safed said that “We don’t segregate, but we try to make it comfortable for the mothers. Usually, a woman wants to spend time with another woman who speaks her own language”. The West Galilee hospital in Nahariya used the language excuse as well. It’s strange, though, because I haven’t heard about Jewish mothers of Russian or Ethiopian descent being sent to other rooms. Hmmm…

To those couples worried about Arabs in their rooms, I can only say: Wouldn’t it be nice to just drop the prejudices during those first few days, when all of us are celebrating a new life in our families?

And to those hospitals: Obviously, in order to make future mothers feel like yours is the best place to give birth, I understand there are steps you need to take to ensure a vital source of income. But segregation? Come on…

Classic Chamber Quintet

Izzie in Holyland

Clinton: Hey Israel, hunny bun, how ya doin?

Izzie: Oh Billie, I miss you soooo much…

Clinton: Really? Why’s that sweetie-pie?

Izzie: You were a real president, you always knew how to please me…

Clinton: (Blushing) Oh… well…. ya know…. aw, that’s nice of you….

Izzie: You never really pushed me any where I didn’t want to go… never made me do anything too kinky, like get out of the West Bank.

Clinton: Well, it’s not like I never wanted to hunny bun, I just didn’t know if we should go there, ya know sweetie? I didn’t want to piss you off and get all your AIPAC buddies on my case…

Izzie: Still… you knew how to treat a young, Middle Eastern belle like myself and make me feel protected. Not like that Dubya, he couldn’t even pronounce that secret I have. You know, that one down in Dimona?

Bush: You mean your nookular powers? hehe, hehe 

Izzie: Oh God, it’s him…

Bush: Yup! Ya miss me too, Izreel? hehe

Izzie: About as much as I miss Arafat…

Bush: Now now, I was nice to ya, wasn’t I?

Izzie: Dubya, you were the worst president I ever did. You had no clue whatsoever…. I mean, you couldn’t tell my West Bank from my East. And what about foreplay? You never showed any interest in my checkpoints. I even got out of Gaza, but did u call? Did you send me flowers? It was like I never existed! 

Clinton: Yeah George, you just don’t screw a peace process like that and never call again… that’s so fratboyish….

Izzie: Thanks Billie baby, I knew you’d understand…. but Billie, I’m so scared of this Barack guy…. I hear he likes it rough…

Clinton: Yeah, you might be in for a whole new experience honey bun. It’ll be tough to stall with this guy…

Izzie: Oh Billie, can’t you be President again?

Obama: Why’s that sugah?

Izzie: Oh, Barack! It’s you! I didn’t mean it…. I mean, nothing… just… I dunno, I guess I’m just a bit worried about where our relationship is heading.

Barack: Well, I’m just getting to know you sugah, I don’t wanna commit to anything yet. I don’t know if you’re ready for it…

Rahm: (Whispering in Barack’s ear) Yeah, make her show how serious she is first…

Barack: Take off those roadblocks first baby. Show me how much you love me…

Rahm: (Whispering in his ear) Perfect! I know this chick like the back of my hand, Baracky, we’ll have her on her knees in no time. Go on, talk to her like an Ars, tell her you’ll show her where the fish pees from, it’s the only launguage these guys understand…

Barack: Sugah, I heard you don’t support a two-state solution, and that you’ve been dissing Annapolis, the Saudi initiative. Baby, tell me it’s not true…

Izzie: Of course it isn’t!!! (Crossing her fingers behind her back) Where on earth did you hear THAT rubbish?

Barack: Lieberman.

Izzie: Oh, pffff! Come on… Him? Oh, Baracky, he’s nothing…. he doesn’t mean anything to me, trust me, he’s just a one-gov’t-stand…

Barack: Careful, Sugah, don’t lie to me… or I’ll show you what the fish pees in.

Rahm: No! NO!! “Pees from! WHERE the fish Pees FROM!” Goddammit, where’s Ari when I need him… Probably watching himself on Entourage again…

Bush: Hey fellas, can I pee, too? I’m bored…. Hehe… Laura! Get my potty! We’re going’ peein’!

Clinton: Sorry I can’t come, guys, but Hillary’s outta town, so… (fiddles with his cigar) rain check?

To be continued…

Waiting for Bibi

I can’t help but feel like we’ve been here before, it’s a deja vu kinda feeling. Bibi’s government has taken me back in time, to the 90’s, it’s like nothing changed in 12 years. Nothing. What a difference between here and America: after 100 days, people don’t have enough fingers to count what Obama’s done, and the excitement is almost campaign-like. Here? Here there’s no excitement, no rush. We’re just waiting. Waiting for the first big “Screw-up a-la Bibi”, like the tunnel opening under the Wall in 1996.

I was watching this “Chamishiya” clip a few days ago, and couldn’t get over how it seemed like it was made yesterday. But can anyone believe that Keren Mor actually (brilliantly) played this hooker in ‘96? And even better, can you believe it was broadcast on Channel 1, public TV? These guys had balls…

For those of you who don’t know Hebrew, Keren is basically asking Bibi to “Open the tunnel, yes, Bibi, open the tunnel”.

it’s not working

I don’t know. I just don’t understand. It’s not working. I mean, it should, right? It should work! But why? Why isn’t it working? I mean, the country spent millions on it, my taxpayer money, so… why? Why? She’s so beautiful,  I just have to know: Why doesn’t Bar Refaeli make me save more water?!

If anything, the whole face-cracking-up thing gives me the shivers. Like nails on a chalkboard.

Stuff Israelis Shouldn’t Be Proud Of (SISBPO)

I was actually thinking of ditching this series of entries, because Ha’aretz beat me to it in their Independence Day supplement. They wrote about 15 things Israelis need to get rid of – quite similar. Nonetheless, I still think I have some things of my own to say, so here goes:

Israeli (detri)mentalities – part I

The “Everyone is out to screw you” mentality

It was a dark and stormy night in upstate New York (See? Those English Lit classes came in handy, Mom!) My new IPOD earphones had just plummeted onto the dining room table, and the sound of the white, sweatshop-Made-in-China plastic hitting the wood startled my Aunt Frannie. She looked at me over the front page of the Times, tipping her nose down so her pupils just barely peeked over the rim of her reading glasses. I put the white plastic back in my ears, and tried my best not to move. I knew any sudden gesture on my part could easily result in Far East-child-labor hitting the table once again, so I just stared back at Aunt Frannie. She refused to flinch, and instead just squinted her eyes at me. I tried not to laugh, but the emerging smile was enough to make my earlobes change shape and send the phones crashing down. After a few giggles the frustration settled in. What’s wrong with my ears? Surely those guys at Apple, those design geniuses (I saw the Ipod on display at the MOMA!), made earphones to fit all ears. Why didn’t they fit mine? Am I normal?

“Take them back”.

“What back? The earphones? I can’t. I already put them in my ears. There’s Ami-Wax on them”.

“I said, go back tomorrow and take them back. This is America. We take things back. Do it.”

The next day I was in the city, and walked slowly towards the Apple store near Central Park. I couldn’t stop shivering, and trust me, it had nothing to do with the -40 degree windchill factor. As I approached the clerk, I tried to keep my composure, and not disclose the fact I had come to return wax-tarnished paraphernalia.  

When my turn came, I swallowed as much saliva as possible and said: “Umm…. I’d like to return these”.

The clerk looked at me, smiled, took the box of earphones from my hands, put it under his table, and proceeded with returning my money, and asked me if there was anything else he could do.

So, why am I telling you this? Because this is a perfect example of an Israeli (detri)mentality. Not the mentality of me being afraid to return purchases. No, I’m speaking of the “Everyone is out to screw you” mentality. See, in Israel, we rarely take things back. We’re just not used to it. And even when some of us are pushy enough to do it (and I’m not saying there aren’t a lot of pushy Israelis out there), we meet tough scrutiny, as if, well yeah, you guessed it, as if we’re trying to screw them. Returning products is not an Israeli thing to do. It’s just another one of those things Israelis think Americans have and that they never will.

In fact, the Israeli government tried to change this attitude. In 2005 the Knesset passed legislation that required businesses to clearly post their return policies where customers can see them. Later on, the government failed to legislate rules in cases where money can actually be given back to consumers who return unused products (what a surprise, another Olmert screw-up when he was Minister of Industry and Commerce). Today, every business does pretty much what they want. Most stores allow returning products within 14 days, but in most places you’ll get a voucher of the amount to buy something else in the shop. In the U.S., this isn’t a legal requirement in every state, because businesses there view the whole process of returning products as an essential part of customer satisfaction – which is the ultimate way, in their eyes, to improve their own profits.

But in Israel? No, here we’re out to screw you. How did business owners react when the legislation was passed? “We’ll have to raise our prices by about 15-20 percent, the Israeli consumer will use this legislation to our disadvantage”. Basically, you’re giving the consumer the green light to screw us, the poor ‘ole businessmen.

I’m not saying that those fears are unjustified, by the way. As a former cafe owner, I can tell you that I met the typical Israeli who was out to screw me on an almost daily basis. Like the workers who stole expensive liquor from my bar, the customer who wanted the business lunch at 11:30 even though it started at 12, the guy who bought the cheaper take-away coffee but then sat down just so he wouldn’t have to tip the waitress, and so on and so on. In fact, I sometimes felt that there were a lot of customers who just came to see how much they could squeeze out of me.

Which is why you’ll never see an all-you-can-eat buffet in Israel. Never. Because the place will go out of business in a day. What am I taking about - in less than a day!  They’ll eat the furniture, too! This reminds me of when I was travelling in Brazil in ‘96. I went with some buddies to a pizza joint in Arraial d’Ajuda, a beach in Bahia, that was having an all-you-can-eat night. We stuffed ourselves. It was the last time that pizza joint ever did that kind of night.

David Brooks of the NYTimes wrote lately in one of his columns about Israel, that “the status system doesn’t really revolve around money. It consists of trying to prove you are savvier than everybody else, that above all you are nobody’s patsy”. How true.

So, do Israelis like to “lidfok et ha’marechet” (screw the system)? Sure, they do. But I feel it might be a chicken-egg-what came first issue. I mean, maybe we try to screw the system because we’re constantly being screwed ourselves, and it’s a matter of survival. Sure, everybody likes to get more bang for his buck, who doesn’t? The problem is, when people here see that as their primary objective when acting as consumers, when they try their best not be the “frayer” (another detri-mentality in itself, which I may write about in the near future). Are we all like that? No. But are there enough out there to ruin it for everybody else? You betcha. 

Lastly, since I’m into Chamishiya nostalgia lately, check out this clip which sums up the typical take of Israelis on American customer service. 

You get what you pay for

 It’s never a great idea to start a piece with the words “So much has been said about…”, but…: So much has been said about the death of newspapers and print media, that I don’t really have much to add. But I started thinking about it again a few days ago after reading a sad but interesting piece in the Times. It made me think about just how near this “death” is, and how I – all of us, actually – are taking part in it.

The article was about Peter Kaplan, the editor of the New York Observer who has stepped down. The Times hinted (through some anonymous employees) that the reason could have been differences between Kaplan and the 28-year-old publisher Jared Kushner (a real estate tycoon, who’s dating Ivanka Trump). Of course there were other reasons, such as the shrinking budgets that all the media is suffering from, especially the print media, but it’s also a sign of the times, and Kaplan basically admitted that a new leader was needed to tackle the challenges of Web 2.0. There was one paragraph that really caught my eye and summed it up:

“He [Kaplan] will leave a New York media world that is very different from the one he began covering in The Observer in 1994 — one that is challenged by faltering bottom lines and atomized into dozens of blogs and Web sites. Just last week The Observer broke a story about a Brooklyn con woman, the so-called hipster-grifter, in an article that provided just the kind of New York intrigue and context that had been a hallmark of the newspaper. But Gawker, the Manhattan gossip blog, immediately took custody of the story, annotating it with attitude and reader-submitted sightings of the protagonist that all but obscured where the story came from in the first place.”

I’ve heard of stories being “stolen” by the Web, but this was the first time I actually saw a good example of it. And these days, it seems like Facebook and Twitter just seem to facilitate this process. They make access to information on blogs and other websites much easier, and much closer to when events actually take place – especially when cell-phones are becoming more and more user friendly towards web surfing. I’ve always thought that the news I get in my morning paper seems old, but these days it just seems ancient. So old, in fact, that reading the news section in any paper these days really seems like a waste of time. A waste of paper.

And why do I feel guilty? Well, I just started writing a blog, and a few days ago started “tweeting”. So, I kind of feel like I’m taking part in it. Most of all, it’s because I left Ha’aretz in 2006 precisely for those reasons. The writing was on the wall (or is it on the screen these days?). There just didn’t seem to be a future in print journalism, and I didn’t feel I could be a good provider for my family if I stayed at the paper. This is the decision many journalists have to take these days. In Israel, the situation is pretty much like it is all over the world. Ma’ariv has been hemorhagging for years, and Ha’aretz’ future seems just as unclear.

But should we really worry about this anyway? A few months ago I met a former colleague of mine at Ha’aretz, and if I understood him correctly, there’s really nothing to fear. He believes it’s a zero sum game. If print media dies, it doesn’t mean that journalism will die – it will live on, just in a different format. Newspapers will transform into websites, bascially. I kind of agree with that. One of the problems I do have with it, is that I don’t know if all the journalists being fired from print media are finding new jobs online.

Rupert Murdoch

An interesting development in the field is Rupert Murdoch’s decision to charge for News Corp websites. Murdoch is betting it will work, based on the success the Wall Street Journal is having with charging for its content. I don’t know, but to me it still seems like a risky move. On the other hand, maybe ITunes is a good example of how it actually could work. People are willing to buy music from Itunes, despite the fact that you can download songs from a zillion other sites for free.

But what worries me the most about the broadsheet -> tabloid – > website transformation, and is the raison d’etre for this post, is the certain loss of quality journalism. I just don’t feel the same kind of reverence for electronic media that I do for publications like the NYTimes, Ha’aretz and The Guardian. These papers and others bear the torch of high quality journalism, they’re the ones that set the standards. Their reporters are the epitomy of journalism at its best. Sure, there are a few good news shows and investigative reporting shows on TV and radio (60 minutes in the U.S., Fact in Israel and many others around the world), but they seem like a drop in an ocean of mediocrity.

Will it be the same when newspapers turn into websites? Will the websites be able to generate enough revenue to pay high salaries for top journalists? I have a bad feeling we’re going to get what we pay for.

shhhhhhhhhh sheket…

For all of those who need some peace and sheket…

How I beat Web 2.0

Since Thursday I’ve been conducting an extremely important experiment: Can I survive without Facebook, Twitter and my favorite websites for 3 days? The reason: To avoid early discovery of who won American Idol.

I admit it, and I’m not ashamed to say: I love the show. Call me shallow, call me lame, call me whatever. It’s a good show. Period.

But it’s shown in Israel 3 days after the broadcast in the States. Which means, that if I wanted to keep it a surprise I would have to avoid sites that might give the results away. The only thing I did was check my Gmail. It was tough. I caught myself subconsiously dragging the mouse pointer to the Facebook link more than once. But all along I knew my efforts would not go unrewarded – the glam-rock, tongue-flashing, full of himself Adam Lambert lost to the humble, harmless Kris Allen. (Although I was rooting for Allison).

So yes, it can be done. I know, we’re all addicted to Web 2.0 – but it can be done.

Wait…  who am I fooling… I love Web 2.0!!!!

Follicularly Challenged

I happen to be bald. But, basically, so is almost every other guy in Israel. Seriously. If you live here or if you’ve ever visited, you know I’m right. Israeli bald men outnumber those with hair. What happens to most of us, usually a few years after the army, is a slow migration southwards of hair towards the chest, shoulders and back.

But balding is genetic, right? So why is it when I compare the situation of men here to the scalps of my Jewish brethren in the diaspora, mainly the U.S. and U.K., I can’t help but notice that they seem to be much more follicly healthy? In fact, Homer Simpson is probably a much more acurate portrait of the typical Israeli figure than that of homo-suburbia found in America. 

I talked about this issue recently with a friend of mine, and we both weighed in on the reasons. She thought it was most probably the dry, hot weather. We could always blame it on the “matsav” – I mean, who wouldn’t? Or maybe it’s all that hummus. A good bet would be all those antennaes we serve next to while in the military. I don’t know. I tend to believe it has to do with the drinking water. They obviously put too much of something in there.

I’m thinking of starting a Facebook page, for all us bald Israelis. I know it’ll be a hit. But I won’t do it for the ratings, or for the fame. No, we have to get down to the bottom of this. Our children, and children’s children depend on us. What we really need is an official Commission of Inquiry, one that has real teeth to punish those responsible for this crime. 

I want to see heads roll.

And they better be bald.

The Tractor’s Revenge

What a wierd name for a band. But what a band, and what a great song. Can’t believe it’s already 20 years old. Actually, maybe I can after watching the video…

ari, you forgot something

In his op-ed piece today in Ha’aretz, Ari Shavit seems to have forgotten an important fact. He writes:

The U.S. president’s behavior is not entirely fair. Obama knows the urgent problem in the Middle East is not natural growth in the settlements, and that there is no Palestinian partner at the moment for real peace. There is quite a bit of the absurd in the fact that the man who dons kid gloves when it comes to North Korea’s ruler and the president of Venezuela slams the Israeli prime minister with a resounding punch.

You see Ari, the thing is, and correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think North Korea or Venezuela are getting 30 billion dollars of military aid over the next decade. I mean, maybe it’s just me, but… doesn’t that give the guy a say in things (or the right to slam a resounding punch, as you would say)? I guess I’m kind of old-fashioned…

Where can I get this?

let the games be stalled!

As Barack Obama played golf and Mir Hossein Moussavi was put in house arrest on Sunday, something bizarre happened on a blue podium on the outskirts of Tel Aviv. Some guy with a silver comb-over got up and said the words “Palestinian State”.

His name, you ask? Netanyahu, Bibi Netanyahu.

“Holy Sh-t! WHAT??? Did you say Bibi? And he said PS?!?!?!”

Yes, he did. I saw the speech (not live, of course. Had better things to do), and I also saw him utter those words. But when he said them, for a second I thought I actually saw him cringe, almost like he was looking for the nearest puke bucket. He looked like a vegetarian who just got served a juicy, bloody steak. Or like one of those guys in a zany food challenge on some wacky reality show, who just found out he had to eat a plate of live snails to get immunity and stay on the island.

I suppose one could call Bibi’s show on Sunday some sort of “Survivor – The Middle East” (Now THERE’S a season I’ll actually watch!). Sky news actually came up with a good analysis of the speech while hinting to a slightly different genre: “To garble the Rocky Horror Picture Show song, this was a step to the left, but a jump to the right”.

Bibi’s failed attempt to imitate Obama screams for a comparison between the two events. First, just take a look at the venue. Sure, the podium said “Begin-Sadat Center” in both Hebrew and English, but it also said Bar Ilan University in Hebrew alone. This institution, where Yigal Amir, Rabin’s assasin, studied – has often been accused of being a hotbed for right-wing extremism. Obama, on the other hand, spoke at the Al-Azhar mosque in Cairo. Now, I don’t know enough to say if Al-Azhar is a hotbed for extremism or not, but I can say it’s gutsy to make a speech in the lion’s den. Most of the people in the Bibi’s audience were Likudniks and wore kippas, so he was basically preaching to the choir.

But in my eyes, the main difference was the tone. Obama came with arms outreached, and actually sounded genuine. But Bibi? Exactly the opposite. Even felt kind of fake. I had the feeling he came with two mafiosos pushing him from behind (Rahm Emanuel and David Axelrod?) threatening to chop his legs off. “OK, OK, I’ll do it! But you know it’ll be the end of me”, Bibi would say, “The minute Ketsale hears this I’ll be chopped liver”.

OK. So he said yes to a Palestinian State. Wow. Amazing. If you’re excited about that, you’re probably excited about sliced bread and light bulbs. That’s like a mother being proud of her son for taking his first steps – at age 12. Seriously, it’s about time Bibi. And even though he said it, you know he didn’t mean it. Because then came the conditions: It has to be demilitarized, they have to recognize us as a Jewish State, No to the return of refugees, Jerusalem will not be divided, first topple Hamas, we’ll continue to build settlements, and oh, I almost forgot, you can only establish your state on the next Venus and Mars conjunction – and only if there’s a full moon as well. See, who says I’m not flexible?

So did he “survive”? Well, maybe for now. Only time will tell how long his fragile coalition will last. What he did manage to do was make the left and the right angry, so maybe he did do something right. For now, his numbers are up in the popularity polls, too. And of course, how could we forget the Palestinians. They were FURIOUS. Although, I must say I’m quite surprised at their reaction. I mean seriously guys, what were you thinking? That Bibi would be your next de Klerk? Come on…

America said this was “an important step forward”. There are probably a few innocent interns in the White House amazed at how Obama got Bibi to say “Palestinian state” in just a few months. But Barack (can I call you that? I feel like I know you), if I may…. Let me just say, that if I were you I wouldn’t be too impressed. And if you think you’ve bent Bibi, well… all I can say is: You’ve just been “Bibi”ed!

Because trust me, Barack, what Bibi really said is: “A Palestinian state? Are you kidding me? Not on my watch!” And you know what? Bibi is probably right. And how do I know that? Because after the speech I looked up in the sky, and guess what I saw?

“Look, it’s a Menachem Begin! It’s an Ariel Sharon! No, it’s a Yitzhak Shamir! See? Look how he flaps his wings, fusses and kvetches, but nothing happens!”

Bibi is a staller! Possibly one of the greatest stallers since Shamir. From now on it’ll be just words, words words – but no deeds. Let the games be stalled!

The only thing is, I don’t think Rahm or David have any patience for another Shamir. I think they’ve had enough of this shtick. If I’m correct, Americans – and American Jews in particular – are wary and tired of the situation in the Middle East, and although they see Israel as a strategic ally, at the same time they’re not afraid to see her as a liability. Middle Eastern fundamentalism has brought death to America’s shores, and when you pay billions of dollars a year to a Jewish state to be your ally in the region, but all you get is bloodshed, suddenly it just doesn’t seem like that great a deal. Surely they can get more bang for their buck.

In fact, the American-Israeli relationship reminds me sometimes of the relationship many women (so I’ve been told…)have with their house cleaners. They pay them, yet shiver whenever they enter the door. They hope she’s satisfied with the way the house looks, almost as if to say: “So, is my house clean enough for you to clean”?

It’s time to get things straight. It’s time to show who’s boss. It’s time for American taxpayers to get what they pay for. Don’t fall for empty rhetoric.

You can do it, Rahm.

Underqualified and overestimated

On June 8th, Avraham Hircshson, Israel’s former Finance Minister under Ehud Olmert, was convicted of stealing 2.5 million shekels from the National Workers Labor Federation while he was its chairman. The current Foreign Minister, Avigdor Lieberman, is under investigation for (allegedly) illegaly receiving millions of shekels from businessmen for his election campaign. His daughter, Michal, who is in her early 20’s, has somehow managed to make over 12 million shekels in profits from international business. 

Lieberman’s troubles have sparked gossip in the Knesset hallways that he will soon be indicted and that his days in the Foreign Ministry are numbered. There are even rumors going around about who might replace him, one of them being the bizarre option of Aryeh Deri, the former charismatic leader of Shas, who himself has done time in jail for (guess what) fraud and bribery. Charismatic and charming as he may be, I honestly don’t know if Deri has any clue about international diplomacy. Though according to a recent report, he is already taking private English lessons.

Actually, Deri wouldn’t be the first foreign minister in Israel’s history who didn’t have a clue about diplomacy. And I’m pretty sure Hirschson didn’t have much of a clue about managing the state coffers (but apparently managed to find a way to steal from them). 

Israel’s illustrious political past is dotted with so many similar biazarre appointments that the dots have converged into one big blotch. It’s easy to blame the over-representative political system here, which lets every little party squeeze far more than they are worth from the Prime Minister-elect as he attempts to cobble together a coalition. But what about some basic common sense? Or even a basic atempt to hide the blatant nepotism? 

Nonetheless, here are my top 10 outrageous appointments over the recent years. Apologies to those I left out (there are many, I know. If you wish to enlighten us with yours, please respond):

 

10. Nissim Dahan  - The Health Ministry is one of those unimportant ministries handed out as gifts, or bribes, to small parties to ease their entering into a coalition. Dahan, besides wearing a black kippa, also has a black belt in karate and a scuba diving license. He is ordained as a rabbi, and thus qualified to be Minister of Health in Ariel Sharon’s first government. But hey, at least Sharon decided to appoint a full-time health minister.

9. Rehavam “Gandi” Ze’evi - Ze’evi fought in the Palmach and retired from the IDF with the highly-respectable rank of General. He held extreme right-wing views, some would say racist (I would), and was eventually murdered in 2001 by Palestinians in a Jerusalem hotel. He came up with the bright idea to “transfer” Palestinians from the Holy Land, and was thus qualified to be Tourism Minister in Ariel Sharon’s first government. What a great way to encourage people to visit Israel, eh?

 

8. Yaakov Ben Yizri - Ben Yizri of the late “Pensioners” party has full matriculation, from 1940 (according to the Knesset website). This was his primary qualification for being appointed Health Minister in Ehud Olmert’s government.

7. Raleb Majadele - An Arab representative from the Labor party, Majadele has a high school education and was therefore qualified, if not over-qualified, to be the Minister of Science, Culture and Sport in Ehud Olmert’s government.

6. Dan Meridor- Along with a few other strange appointments in Bibi’s current government, Meridor has been given the made-up Ministry of Intelligence and Atomic Energy. Meridor, who has a degree in law and on various satire shows has been likened to a freightened cat (due to his infamous inabilty to decide and stand on his own) is thus qualified to be minister of anything atomic.

5. Avraham Hirschson - Hirschson has a “partial academic education” (according to Knesset website) and is a good friend of Ehud Olmert. Which is basically all you need to be qualified to steer the nation’s economy in the wrong direction and be Finance Minister.

4. Eli Yishai - Yishai has a high school education, is the political leader of Shas, and is thus more than qualified to be Interior Minister and decide who gets deported from Israel, who is allowed in, and who is stripped of their citizenship.

3. Avigdor Lieberman - Lieberman has a BA in Social Sciences (hey, impressive!). But it is his promotion of a loyalty oath that makes him qualified to act as a light unto nations and represent Israel around the world as Bibi’s Foreign Minister.

2. David Levy - Levy barely knows a word of English, and was therefore fully qualified to serve as Foreign Minister in Yitzhak Shamir’s government and show the world just how enlightened Israel can be.

1. Amir Peretz - Peretz has a high school education and was released from the IDF with the rank of Captain. And so who better to lead Israel into a war in Lebanon than a man who can truly see the big picture, as one may see in the photo above. His English is also impeccable.

 

Izzie in HolyLand – Part 2

(Part 1) 

Izzie: Hi baby!

Barack: Hey Iz, where are ya?

Izzie: In my suite in Rome, just got back from a meeting with Silvio…

Barack: How’d it go?

Izzie: OK, I guess… I dunno, he kept asking me if I wanted to come to a party he was having tonight. Something about him, maybe the hair, I dunno… Don’t think I’ll go. Anyway, it’s you I’m thinking about…  I miss you Baracky baby…

Barack: Is that so?

Izzie: I do, really…  I feel like we barely talk anymore.

Barack: Well, I’ve been busy…

Izzie: I know, I know…. I’m just saying.

Barack: You know, I got Iran and everything.

Izzie: I know baby. And I saw you kill that fly, too! Nice one…

Barack: Thanks, honey. Listen, I better get going…

Izzie: Really? So soon?

Barack: Yeah, I got some stuff…

Izzie: OK…. Baracky?

Barack: Yeah Iz?

Izzie: Is everything OK?

Barack: Whaddya mean?

Izzie: I mean, I dunno, you seem kind of distant.

Barack: Nah, it’s nothing, just got some stuff on my mind. Very busy…

Izzie: OK…. but you would tell me if something was wrong, right?

Barack: Sure, of course I would.

Izzie: OK…. because we haven’t really talked since my Bar Ilan speech.

Barack: Really?

Izzie: Yeah, really. You never told me what you thought of it.

Barack: I didn’t? I thought I did….. hmmmm.

Izzie: So?

Barack: So what?

Izzie: How was the speech?

Barack: Oh! The speech! Yeah, yeah…. it was, ummm…. it was good. Yeah, it was good.

Izzie: “Good”?

Barack: Yeah, good. Good speech baby.

Izzie: Just “good”?

Barack: Ummm, yeah.

Izzie:…..

Barack: Good speech. Interesting, too.

Izzie:….

Barack: Yeah, I liked it.

Izzie: ….

Barack: So anyway,

Izzie: ….

Barack: Izzie? You there?

Izzie: You got a lot of nerve, you know that?

Barack: Excuse me?

Izzie: I SAID PALESTINIAN STATE!

Barack: I know you did honey, but -

Izzie: I DID THAT FOR YOU!!!!

Barack: That’s very sweet, Izzie, but -

Izzie: No, YOU but – DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT WAS FOR ME?

Barack: I’m sure it was, but -

Izzie: But what? What can you possibly have to say? Do you know how disgusting those words are to me? Do you have any idea the nausea I felt as they came thru my lips!?!

Barack: Now wait, now just calm down Izzie…

Izzie: Calm down? Calm down? That’s what you have to tell me? Calm down?

Barack: Are you going to let me say something?

Izzie: This is Rahm’s fault, I know it. That self-hating Jew, I’ll kill him, I swear.

Barack: This has nothing to with Rahm, Izzie, this is between you and me.

Izzie: OK. OK. So, why was it just “good”, huh? Why? Go on, spit it out.

Barack: Well, for one thing, I don’t think saying Palestinian state is such a big deal.

Izzie: You’re serious, right? OMG, unbelievable…

Barack: And second, I dunno, you just didn’t look that honest. I mean, actually, I didn’t believe a word you said.

Izzie:…..

Barack: Wasn’t convinced you were actually going to do something.

Izzie:…

Barack: And it’s not about Rahm, I watched the replay alone.

Izzie: Wait, wait wait wait wait…..  did you just say “replay”?

Barack: Yeah, I had this golf game, I couldn’t cancel, so I Tivo’d it, but -

Izzie: I’VE BEEN TELLING YOU ABOUT THIS SPEECH FOR 2 WEEKS AND YOU DIDN’T WATCH ME LIVE?

Barack: Well, I’m sorry, but…

Izzie: You know what, Barack? Just forget it, OK? Forget it. I’m hanging up, and I’m going to Silvio’s party. And I’m cancelling the meeting with Mitchell tomorrow in Paris. So just forget it, and send me the 3 billion dollars, you know the address.

Barack: Yeah, well, you see, here’s the thing Izzie, I wanted to talk to you about that…    Izzie? You there? Izzie? Sh-t, she hung up. I dunno Rahm, she sounds pissed.

Rahm: Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it. These Jewish states tend to be real princesses. It’ll blow over.

A Walk in the Park

I take Gidi, my beloved dog, out for his evening stroll. Upon passing through the narrow lane that leads to the park, I see Crazy Old Woman heading towards us. It’s the old woman who always looks extremely sad, and always has numerous plastic bags full of, most probably, trivial items. We never talk, or even say hello. That’s what people do in America, not here.

 

I tighten my grip on Gidi’s leash, tugging him closer to me. It’s a pretty narrow passageway, and I know most people don’t like the way Gidi looks. He’s an Amstaff, and Amstaffs have a bad rep in Israel. But I didn’t think Gidi’s looks would trigger the response I got from the Crazy Old Lady.

“He’s ugly.”

“What!?”

“He’s ugly.”

“Who’s ugly?”, I asked, as Crazy Old Lady passed me by and didn’t even look back.

“Your dog. He’s an ugly dog.”

The only thing I could come up quick enough was “You’re ugly yourself!”, I yell at Crazy Old Lady’s hunched back.

Pretty lame, I know. I kept walking, fuming, but then attempted to calm myself down: “She’s a crazy old lady, Ami, take it easy”.

I guess I’m kind of over-sensitive with Gidi these days. He’s got lymphoma, and probably won’t make it through July.

We go around the park. When I get back to the narrow lane leading to the house, guess who’s coming down? Crazy Old Lady.

I tense up, imagining myself giving Gidi the order: “Kill Gidi, kill!”. Even if I wanted to, he wouldn’t. He’s pretty sure he’s a poodle.

“I was kidding! He’s a pretty dog!”

“Really, think so?”

“Yes, of course!”, Crazy Old Lady says and bends down to pet Gidi, at which point Gidi jumps up to lick her face and scares the living daylights out of Crazy Old Lady.

Justice.

speaks for itself

Close Encounters of the Levantine Kind

or shall I call this one: Where’s Richard Dreyfuss when you need him?

A new cellphone ad on Israeli TV has already made someone start a Facebook page against it. In the ad, Israeli soldiers are seen playing soccer over the Separation Wall with the unseen enemy on the other side. An excellent analysis of the ad can be read here, by journalist Dimi Reider.

But who is it on the other side? Are they from another planet? Do they mean us no harm? Let us communicate with them via foot and ball and see if their intentions are sincere. For, after all, as the ad says at the end, “What is it we all want? Just a little fun, that’s all”.

Find the differences:

OK, there are few differences, but still…

The sad thing is, is that the ad agency that made this probably got it right – I’m sure there were thousands of Israeli families who were touched by this, who love this “kitcsch”, who secretly hope that their Palestinian enemies are watching on the other side (of the wall, of course, and in Gaza, with no electricity – oops) and understanding that, damn it, all we want is peace and to play soccer with you dudes!

(Part 2, Part 3)

Close Encounters of the Levantine Kind – Part 2

(Part 1 can be read here)

The Shelved Cellcom Ads

McCann Erickson's logo

It’s mid June at the McCann Erickson offices in Tel Aviv. Hagit, Eyal and Oz have come with their ad proposals for the new cellcom campaign. Luckily enough, you and I are flys on the wall, and are witnessing the ads that never came to be.

Ad 1

It’s midnight. The dark streets of Nablus casbah. The Golani brigade is slowly walking thru the narrow streets, imposing curfew. Close up shots of terrified young soldiers, waiting for the worst to happen. They hear a baby cry in a nearby home, and immediately barge into the house.

But it’s empty. Quiet. Maybe too quiet. The soldiers look around the living room, picking up family photos and magazines on the couch.

Suddenly, a soccer ball bounces down the stairway. The whole platoon aims their M-16s at the bouncing object.

Commander Yossi: “It’s just a ball. Gabi, kick it back up stairs.”

Gabi kicks the ball back. As the soldiers open the door to leave, the ball bounces back down.

Yossia and Gabi smile back at each other.

Yossi: “Yallaaaa!!!! Let the games begin!!!!!!”

Gabi picks up his cellcom phone and calls the other platoon: “Come on over to Salah-a-Din alley, there’s a game!”

Camera slowly moves back, showing all of living room, with soldiers kicking the ball happily and breaking everything in sight.

Announcer: “What is it we all want? Just a little fun”.

Ad 2

It’s Operation Cast Lead in Gaza. A large scale firefight is taking place in Bet Lahiye between paratroopers and some Hamasniks. At least we think they’re Hamasniks, we can’t really see them.

After several rounds of fire, quiet takes over. Suddenly, a soccer ball comes rolling down from the hill where the Hamasniks are hiding.

Commander Yossi: “It’s just a ball. Gabi, kick it back to them.”

Gabi: “But Commander, they’re Hamasniks!”

Yossi: “How do you know, can you see them?”

Gabi kicks the ball back. At this point, a bearded militant peeks out from behind the hill, rifle on his back, and starts bouncing the ball on his head.

Yossi picks up his Cellcom, and calls the nearest takn unit: “Coordinates: 9-7-5-6 North, 7-5-6-3 West, fire now.”

Tank takes out bearded man.

Announcer: “What is it we all want? Just to have some fun”.

Ad 3

It’s the Hawara checkpoint outside of Jenin. An ambulance, sirens blazing, pulls up. Inside, a woman in labor can be heard.

Husband comes out of ambulance, pleads with soldier to get through to hospital. Close-up on soldier’s face. He’s seen terrorists come through ambulances. He knows better. It’s a big decision.

Yossi: “Open the doors of the ambulance!”

Husband obliges.

Yossi: “You can’t go through.”

Husband: “Why?”

Yossi: “No soccer ball coming out mysteriously from van. I can’t be sure of your intentions.”

Yossi picks up his cellcome phone, and calls his Mom: “Ima, can you bring me a soccer ball on Shabbat? These Arabs are lame”.

Camera fades out as woman in ambulance continues to scream like there’s no tomorrow.

Close Encounters of the Levantine Kind – Part 3

(Part 1, Part 2)

Last post about this, I promise…

Victims of the in-house drive-by

 Dimi Reider has added a few interesting, sad thoughts to his important post:

The more I think about this ad, from an activist perspective, the sadder it seems. Ads aimed at the general market, like this one, are invaluable time capsules, representing  public mood much more faithfully than any art. They can’t afford to affront and lose a single customer – and thus they document not just what a society really is, but what it really thinks itself to be, which can be just as decisive as facts and figures.

From that perspective, this ad is the peak of a two-decade long process of alienation of the 1967 Palestinians from the mainstream of Israeli public.

True, in a way this is a reflection of how Israeli society thinks these days.

What scares me even more is the attempt to sell a product using soldiers and the wall. Sure, soldiers have been shown throughout the years in various commercials. But as far as I can remember (and please correct me if I’m wrong), soldiers always appeared in a way that was never really far from the concensus, they’re portrayed as the sons we must take care of when they come home, as the ones we call to make sure they’re OK and so on.

With this commercial, McCann Erickson went a step further and dealt with an issue that is widely known as politically contentious. There is much disagreement over the wall, it’s route and need. Did they not know this? Or is this the reality that McCann Erickson and Cellcom want us to believe is out there? What’s extremely dangerous is that this fake reality is something that can be fed down Israelis throats, as a commercial on prime time television.

I’m reminded of a song, “Bullet in the Head”, by Rage Against the Machine (RATM). Now, I know I’m taking a chance by mentioning this band as being regarded childish and not to be taken seriously. But I used to love (still do actually) these guys, and thought they were way ahead of their time (hey, I had long hair and was a head-banger. Shoot me.). Foul language aside, their lyrics ring true to this day. “Bullet in the Head”, from 1992, is basically a song about the evils of commercial television, an evil that McCann Erickson just recently perpetrated. For the lyrics, press here. But here’s a small taste:

No escape from the mass mind rape
Play it again jack and then rewind the tape
And then play it again and again and again
Until ya mind is locked in
Believin’ all the lies that they’re tellin’ ya
Buyin’ all the products that they’re sellin’ ya
They say jump and ya say how high
Ya brain-dead
Ya gotta fuckin’ bullet in ya head

Just victims of the in-house drive-by
They say jump, you say how high
Just victims of the in-house drive-by
They say jump, you say how high

And for those who want to listen (not for the faint of heart…):

Oh, and one last question: What the F-CK does the separation wall have to do with phones?!?!?!?!?

Should Expats Be Quiet?

I’d like to open up a certain topic for discussion here on Half & Half. I have a question that I’ve been trying to answer for years, and this past week the urge to answer it has become even stronger. My last posts on the Cellcom ad have received a lot of attention, and during my activity on Half & Half and on other blogs who discussed the ad, I interacted with quite a few Israeli expats.

Israeli expats are often called by Israelis “Yordim“, a term that seems to be a bit derogatory when you think about it (Yordim, from the word “yerida”, which means “going down”, descending – as opposed to making “aliyah”, which means ascent). For many years, Israelis have often felt that Yordim were in essence traitors. They abandoned the hardships of building a country for their own aspirations abroad. Over the years this sentiment has weakened, almost to the state where most Israelis either admire those who try to make it abroad, or are just plain jealous. But one thing that hasn’t changed, I think, is the feeling some Israelis get when they’re exposed to opinions of Yordim. Many think they don’t have the right to criticize Israel and it’s policies. I admit, I sometimes feel the same way. Sometimes I say to myself “How dare he? Does he live the hard life here? Does he have to deal with a Manhattan cost of living on a  Middle Eastern salary? Does he live in a war zone? He chose not to, so he should up”. And usually when I do feel like that, I feel guilty afterwards.

And this is my question: Do I have the right to feel this way? This question branches out into many sub-questions, and I would like the discussion here to be about expats in general, not only Israelis and Yordim.

I wasn’t born in America, but being brought up by Americans and growing up there, I often feel a bit like an American expat. Despite this, I feel that in the past I have refrained from openly criticizing America in front of other Americans, feeling I didn’t have the right. An exception to the rule was during the Bush years, when I would tell my American relatives exactly what I thought. But since they were on the same side of the political map, it was like preaching to the choir. Nonetheless, I wonder today if they ever, maybe even subconsciously, had an uncomfortable feeling about me voicing my opinions, when I wasn’t living there? Do I have the right to? Can I be critical of Obama if I feel the need to?

Sure, everyone is entitled to their opinion about any topic in the world. So, if a foreigner can tell me that settlements are wrong, or that settlements are right, why shouldn’t a Yored be able to? Just because he left, is he denied the right to an opinion? Or is this only about how you voice your opinion, and where?

My wife, Karen, is British. Does she have the right to criticize Gordon Brown?

Does a Republican expat in France have the right to argue about Roe vs Wade with a Democrat in NY?

Can a Yored living in LA tell me that my left wing or right wing opinions are wrong? Has he lost that right? Why? Especially if all his family still lives in Israel?

So, this goes out to all you expats, Half & Halves, or anybody who reads this blog and has an opinion about it. Tell me what your thoughts are on this. I need some answers…

Is it getting hot in here or what?

Many of our readers across the pond may not know this, but besides the best-selling Israeli-Palestinian conflict, there are other conflicts Israel can be very proud of. One of my favorites is the Secular-Orthodox saga. It’s got drama, violence, religion, suspense – you name it.

Secular vs orthodox affairs have throughout the years been on a constant low flame. There’s the usual protest against something opening on Shabbat, or rock throwing in Me’ah She’arim, or a Knesset Member from the left whining about how much money yeshivas get, or Haredim protesting against new roads because they find ancient Jewish remains, and so forth. But every few years it seems tensions run on a slightly higher flame.

Over the past 20 years, I can remember two such periods. The first was when I was in high school and later in the army, during the large scale protests against religious coersion (which I proudly took part in back then). These occured during the rise in power of the religious parties in coalition governments, mainly Shas. ‘Twas the days of Shulamit Aloni (where is she when we need her?) and Yossi Sarid heading Meretz on the left, and the leader of Shas Rabbi Yaakov Peretz, and his young charismatic deputy Aryeh Deri, in his mid 20’s, who would later lead the party, only to ultimately go to jail (and anounced this week that he’s coming back to politics). I think the thing I remember most from those days is the HaBonim disaster, where 22 kids lost their lives after their bus got stuck on some tracks and was hit by a train. Peretz claimed it was because of faulty mezuzah’s in their school and that people in Petah Tikva weren’t keeping Shabbat. Needless to say, that didn’t go over so well…

The second period I remember is when Yossef Tomi Lapid took over Shinui, and led his party to an amazing 15 mandates in the 2003 Knesset elections with a clearly anti-religious (some say racist) campaign. Back then, the main argument was around drafting orthodox into the army and the Tal commission (and subsequent Tal Law, which ultimately failed). Lately, I have a feeling we’re embarking on period #3, like another flare up is lurking. In the past three months or so there have been a number of events that have brought orthodox and secular out to the streets:

• Karta parking lot – The Jerusalem courts ordered last month to open this lot, near the Old City, on Shabbat. The city claims that the police urged them to do so, in order to avoid double parking on nearby streets by the many visitors who come to see the Old City on Shabbat, and thus posing a safety hazard. Ultra-orthodox groups, led by the Eda Haredit, claim this is a desecration of Shabbat, and went out to violent protests. There have been reports that not all the ultra-orthodox agree with the Eda Haredit protests, and that there is a lot of internal politicking going on behind the scenes that are triggering events.
• Kiryat Yovel – It’s the typical “There goes the neighborhood” scenario. Kiryat Yovel, in the south-west part of the city, has long been a hiloni-masorati neighborhood. Secular, veteran residents are complaining that synagogues are being open illegally, that the Haredim are taking over. The main battle is now concentrated around two apartment buildings on Stern St., former student dorms for the Hebrew University, that are up for sale. One secular group is bidding against seven Haredi groups.
• Ramat Aviv – Another “There goes the neighborhood” scene. This time haredim are buying up flats in the heart of “Secular-City”, North Tel Aviv. The veterans won’t stand for it, the “intruders” couldn’t care less, but the debate here turned ugly after an op-ed by the notorious(?) Gideon Levy, who usually pisses people off with his anti-occupation essays, was published in Ha’aretz and titled “Anti-semitism is rearing its head in Tel Aviv”. You can guess what that one was about.
• Starving child – An ultra-orthodox woman was arrested this week for allegedly starving her 3 year old boy. Haredim held violent protests yesterday against the arrest, claiming that Haredi mothers are being targeted with baseless allegations. As a result of the protests, Barkat too a pretty drastic step and decided to halt all municipal services to the orthodox neighborhoods of Geula and Mea Shearim, for fear of the safety of municpal employees.

Still, despite these hotpoints, it’s not exactly the same as those two periods I mentioned before. First, there’s no Meretz and there’s no Shinui leading a secular campaign. In fact, it seems politicians from the Knesset have by large decided to steer away from these flare-ups, and not risking adding oil to the flames or endangering their own alliances. Second, the issues themselves are very local, there’s no Tal Law or religious coersion to campaign against on a national scale. So, on the whole, it’s too early to tell if this will develop into anything wider. I certainly hope it doesn’t.

The flames are still low, but I don’t know – Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?

How’s That Workin’ for Ya?

On one of my last posts, two people who are dear to me had quite the debate (Liat and Lee) going on about the Mideast, and some way or another Dr. Phil got mixed in. I was amazed that the two actually quoted Dr. Phil in the first place, but was even more amazed at how the quotes were very relevant to the discussion. And so, it got me thinking. What if? (Yeah, you know where this is going…. so press play on the video below and let’s get this show on the road!)

Dr. Phil: Hello! Wow! Thank you! Thank you! Alright! Thank you! Have a seat… Thank you! Settle down now… Have a seat…. OKayyyyyy let’s get started.

You might know our next couple from the hit show “CNN”, they’ve been battling at it for the past 60 years and there just doesn’t seem like there’s any light at the end of the tunnel. Well, let’s see if I can prove ‘em wrong. But first, let’s see what our camera crew caught when they weren’t looking. Take a look:

Dr. Phil: Tough pictures. OK, let’s bring out our couple, give a warm welcome to Israel and Palestine!

(Crowd applause, Israel walks in first, short skirt, smiling all the way. Palestine follows, sits beside her, looking grumpy, like Israel has total control over him or something…)

Dr. Phil: OK, now let’s get started. Now, let’s start with you (points to Israel). First, lemme say you’re just cuter than a speckeled pup in a red wagon. But, you say you’re ready for peace and meanwhile continue to steal this man’s land.

Israel: “Steal” is kind of a harsh word, don’t ya think?

Dr. Phil: Well butter my biscuit, I chose steal and I’m sticking with it honey, take it or leave it. Now, are you willing to rise above all this and admit it’s stealing?

Israel: Well, it’s not that easy Dr. Phil (wipes a tear from her eye). I mean, I really want to move on in this relationship, but he just doesn’t trust me. And he keeps sending these terrorists to kill me. I mean, why do I have to give up land? Just so he can ask for more and more and eventually has everything I own?

Dr. Phil: Well, all I can say is “The most you get is what you ask for”.

(Israel and Palestine look at each other, a bit confused)

Dr. Phil: Now you, (points to Palestine) you look like you been rode hard and put up wet. But is it really necessary to chose violent resistance over peaceful, more efficient ways?

Palestine: Yes.

Dr. Phil: Son, you’re gonna have to do better than that, one word sentences aren’t gonna get you off the hook on MY show, so you better be ready to start talkin’ or start walkin’.

Palestine: OK. Look, you’re right, maybe I get angry sometimes too quickly, but -

Dr. Phil: “Anger is nothing more than an outward expression of hurt, fear and frustration.”

Palestine: Exactly! Wow, you really hit it on the nail Dr. Phil -

Dr. Phil: I know son, this isn’t my first rodeo, hehe…

(Crowd laughs heartily, everyone looks gorgeous, like they’re on Oprah)

Palestine: I mean seriously, why should I trust her? She keeps saying that she wants peace, but then she keeps taking more land, killing more of our women and children, we can’t move anywhere in the West Bank, and in Gaza we now live in a jail, and -

Dr. Phil: Now hold your horses, son, just wait. I hear ya, I can hear the pain. (Leans towards Israel). Can you hear that pain too? Are you hearin’ what I’m hearin’? Cuz if you’re not, somethin’s wrong here hun. And if you do hear it, but don’t care, well let me just tell you this: “Awareness without action is worthless”.

(Palestine nods his head, Israel is looking at Dr. Phil in utter disbelief)

Israel: Look, I did not come on national television to be portrayed as the bad gal! We Jews were there first, there’s no disputing that, and we have a right to settle any where we want in the Holy Land – we’ve done it for decades, and we’ll continue to do it for many decades to come!

Dr. Phil: You will?

Israel: Yes (shivering from excitement).

Dr. Phil: Uh huh. (Dr. Phil leans back in his chair, rubs his chin) And how’s that workin’ for ya?

(Israel fiddles with her dress. Tears start to swell up, she’s beginning to realize, it’s settling in. Dr. Phil puts a hand on her knee. She gasps. It’s a bit too high. But hey, it’s Dr. Phil, he wouldn’t try anything funny…  right?)

Dr. Phil: I know, this is tough for ya. But this is a slow process, and we’re gonna work through it together, OK?

(Israel nods as she sobs on more and harder. Palestine puts an arm around her shoulder, but she shrugs him off)

Dr. Phil: Now Palestine, it’s too early for that. Don’t be countin’ your chickens before the eggs hatch! I like to say: “Life is a marathon, it’s not a sprint”.

(Palestine looks at Dr. Phil, trying to figure out what in the world did he mean by that. He leans towards Israel, whispers in her ear)

Palestine: What did he just say?

Israel: Shhh! I don’t know! Shut up! Just nod and we’ll get out of here sooner. I swear to G-d, you’re dead during commercial break, I can’t believe you dragged me all the way for this wacko.

Dr. Phil: You say something hunny?

Israel: No, no, nothing… just finally realizing how right you are. I really have to acknowledge his pain too, as well as my own.

Dr. Phil: Exactly. I think we actually made some progress here! Heck, that wasn’t too hard - almost like water off a duck’s back. Ya know, “Sometimes you make the right decision – but sometimes you make the decision right”.

Israel: All right, that’s it. I ‘ve had enough of this crap. I’m outta here.

(Israel storms off the stage. Palestine sits for a minute, and decides to follow)

Palestine: Sorry Dr. Phil, I don’t know what came over her.

Dr. Phil: Hey son, don’t apologize to me. It’ll take a while, trust me. There’s still a lot of meat on that bone. Which reminds me, I always say: “Get up each morning, look at yourself in the mirror, and see yourself not as someone who is over weight or out of shape, but as the someone you will become”.

Palestine: Shut up Dr. Phil! Shut up in al-abuk, I swear to Allah! I’ve had enough of your rantings and of your made up infidels sitting in the audience! 

Dr. Phil: Hehe, well aren’t you like two peas in a pod. Aw, I love makin’ the peace…

(Palestine storms off stage, yelling: “Israel, I know a good hummus joint! Come, forgive me! I promise we’ll go to Jerry Springer next time!”)

Dr. Phil: Wow, was that somethin’ or what? Those two ran out like chickens with their heads cut off! Join me next time when I take on the troubles of yet another troubled couple, you’re gonna love these two, they’re really sweet: China and Tibet! Don’t miss it.

I’m Going to Neverland

Exclusive!

Michael Jackson’s children seem to be popping up everywhere, and just in time Half & Half has gotten hold of the lyrics of Paul Simon’s new song, “I’m going to Neverland”! Press play on the video below and sing along with lyrics underneath:

Neverland

The smog of Southern Cali,

Was sticky like a barrel full of tar

I am following the coastline

Up the highway

Through the cradle of the Schwarzenegger war

 

I’m going to Neverland,

Neverland

Santa Barbara, California

I’m going to Neverland

Small boys and children and oddities,

We are going to Neverland

 

My travelling companion is nine years old

He may be the child of Michael’s first (or second) marriage

But I’ve reason to believe

There’s money to be received

In Neverland

 

He wakes me up and tells me he’s dead

As if  didn’t know that

As if I wasn’t watching it just then

As if I never noticed, the way reporters wiped the drool from their chin

And he said losing MJ

Really really sucks

Everybody sees you’re sad when you’re not

Everybody sees you’re just don’t care

 

I’m going to Neverland,

Santa Barbara, California

I’m going to Neverland

Small boys and children and oddities,

We are going to Neverland

 

And my travelling companions

Are mostly children and wackos

I’m lookin at mostly children and wackos

But I’ve reason to believe

There’s money to be received

In Neverland

 

There’s a girl in Santa Monica

I wouldn’t give her more than twelve or thirteen

And sometimes when I look around

And see all those kids he touched, I say

Oh, so this is what they mean

They mean things happened down in Neverland

And I see that losing MJ

Could make a lot of kids much safer

No more court hearings about touching and fondling,

No more court hearings

 

Whoaaaaaa

 

In Neverland, in Neverland

I’m going to Neverland

For reasons I prefer not to explain

My bank has told me I ought to see

Neverland

And maybe my boy isn’t black

But hey neither was MJ

And maybe we’ll never know what he was

But I’ve reason to believe

There’s money to be received

in Neverland

A Tale of Two Whistleblowers

Whistleblowers are hard to come by. They’re basically every journalist’s dream. Some of the biggest scoops in history have come from whistleblowers. But they’re rare, mainly because they have a lot to risk. Their job, their status, even their own well being. Which is also why some choose to stay anonymous.

Two stories that have popped up over the last couple of weeks involving the military are being widely discussed in Israel. They were both published due to whistleblowers, albeit very different kinds (which we’ll get to later). But the way Israeli society and media has reacted to these stories, I think, really says a lot.

The first story is about a report published by Breaking the Silence. BTS is an organization with a clear agenda. It was founded in 2004 by IDF veterans who wish to expose “the corruption which permeates the military system”, as their website points out. So, they’re far from being neutral, and I don’t agree they should be coined a “human rights group”. In its reports, BTS usually “hunts out” soldiers for testimonies,  whereas soldiers rarely approach the organization by themselves. In this specific report, the organization published testimonies of soldiers who fought in the recent Cast Lead Operation in Gaza, who claimed that the IDF used the “neighbour policy“, where soldiers force Palestinians by gunpoint to walk into a house in order to make sure it has not been booby trapped or that militants aren’t hiding in it.

The procedure was outlawed by the Israeli Supreme Court in 2005, but there have been reports that the IDF has since used the procedure on various occasions.

The soldiers who testified remain anonymous. BTS gave the report exclusively to Amos Harel, the Haaretz military correspondent, and also to the foreign media. And that’s when hell broke loose.

The Israeli media, lead by IDF spokesperson Avi Benayahu, began an organized effort to deligitmize BTS and the report, claiming that there is no way the IDF can investigate anything if they stay anonymous. Also, the attacks centered on the BTS as an organization, its funding and its agenda – not on the testimonies. It got even uglier on one of the Army Radio morning shows, hosted by Kobi Arieli and Irit Linor. Arieli is a Haredi journalist, Linor a former author who has too much to say about nothing, supposed to be the opposing secular liberal. Arieli began the segment by telling listeners about how, when he was a lad, guys who tattled on their friends always got beaten up. (listen here in Hebrew):

Arieli: “In the case of these left-wing traitors, with all their identity problems and that have no idea who they are and tattle on us to the other side … the question is, why aren’t they being beaten up and sent home with scars?”
Linor: “This is an organization that just made up a report. I mean, base it on something, you piece of trash.” She added later: “These are a bunch of weaklings, I think that even I could beat them up”.

First of all, I’d like to ask Arieli: If you don’t have a problem with the illegal neighbour policy, than you shouldn’t mind people ratting you out, right? And to Linor: … Oh boy, I don’t know what to say to a person who calls IDF veterans who were sent by her government to the territories to defend her “a piece of trash”.

Let’s be clear about one thing: the way BTS handled this story is problematic. In his blog, Jerusalem Post News Director Amir Mizroch shows us how fishy the whole story is:

Several days before all this, Breaking The Silence gave out their report to a wide array of foreign media, and not to the IDF to probe into itself, with the caveat that they observe the embargo until after Haaretz published the report first. All of which shows their original intent was to get as much uncritical worldwide publicity for their report. Legitimate, sure. Fair? Not so sure.

But I think many people have lost sight of the fact that this isn’t a story about the way it was published, but about WHAT was published – damning testimonies, in a leading newspaper, by one of the most respected journalists in the business – Amos Harel (full disclosure: I am a former employee of Haaretz).

Harel wrote in his analysis piece:

The nay-sayers should simmer down. The men behind the testimonies are soldiers, that is certain. Three of them met with Haaretz, at the paper’s request. While there is no definite way of vouching for the credibility of their reports, it is safe to say that they did fight in Gaza and that they provided enough authentic detail to prove that they are not imposters.

I can understand their desire to stay anonymous. These guys are basically kids, 18-21 year olds and are still serving. Coming out and testifying against their commanders about abusing the rights of Palestinians? “Gutsy” would be an understatement.

So when CAN you tell on your commanders? Ah, that brings us to our next story. YNET last week published an exclusive about severe abuse in the armored corps. Turns out there’s a brigade that has quite the hazing ceremony for new inductees, and YNET even had some gruesome photos that showed the outcome. Apparently, several soldiers and their parents decided to “break the silence” about the hazing, later some girlfriends joined the noise, and some of the commanders were eventually arrested.

And how did the media react to this one? Everyone was outraged, of course. Those poor soldiers, those wicked commanders.

You’re probably saying “Hey, at least these guys weren’t scared, they didn’t stay anonymous”. Sure, it must have been scary to rat out their commanders, but there’s a difference. First, that dispicable enemy on the other side isn’t involved, and second – there’s a chance for revenge against those commanders. They’re going to jail.

The bottom line is this: Haaretz published a story about whistleblowers. Shoud they have? Yes. Will it be difficult to investigate? Also yes. YNET also published a story about whistleblowers. Goes without saying that they should have, and it’s already being investigated.

This leads us to a sad conclusion: In Israel, because the IDF is still seen as the “most moral army in the world”, we all react with shock and horror to stories about “our sons” being abused. But when it comes to shocking disclosures about these same sons’ behavior toward the Palestinians, the shock and horror  is reserved for those turn-coats who dare attack the army and sully the IDF’s name. How dare they?

They must be a “piece of trash”.

We Need this Woman

Dr. Phil couldn’t solve the conflict – maybe this gal can. She’s a problem solver.

It’s My (Hebrew) Birthday!

Happy Tisha B’av! Come on, I know you’re all bummed out because of the Temple lying in ruins, but hey, at least you got Half & Half these days, right? Right? So go on, tear your shirt, get dusty, sit on the floor, don’t eat anything, and when someone asks you “Hey, what’s with the Tisha B’av face?”, just smile and think of me…

But on a serious note, if you really are fasting – hope it’s an easy one. Especially in this weather. And, just a few things I’d like you to read:

First, an op-ed piece by Nadav Shragai, about Tisha B’av. As you can imagine, me and Nadav don’t really agree on anything, but here’s an example of a right-winger who can write an op-ed in a calm fashion, and state his legitimate view about going up to Temple Mount.

Several years ago I went on a fascinating trip of this kind with archaeologist Dan Bahat, and I have returned many times since. Even today, Tisha B’Av, after some 30 years of writing for Haaretz, I will go there. Like many others I will look back knowing that the memory of the past and heritage is in many ways also the history of our present and future, and that only thus will we improve the chance that others, including our enemies, will recognize this continuity and affinity.

And just three more reads concerning my post about “Breaking the Silence”. The first is a news item on Ha’aretz about a sharp rise in requests from IDF combat units for material on military ethics during warfare.

There has been a sharp rise in requests from Israel Defence Forces combat units to the Education Corps for material on military ethics and “values during wartime,” says Brig. Gen. Eli Shermeister, the army’s chief education officer. Speaking at a seminar yesterday in Jerusalem on “War and Peace in Jewish Heritage,” Shermeister acknowledged an inherent tension between protecting soldiers and avoiding harm to innocent civilians.

Another piece is by Jeffery Goldberg that I just saw, even though it’s already a few weeks old. BTS came under criticism for Israel-bashing, and in response to my post journalist Adi Schwartz pointed out that not all human rights organizations are neutral, and are funded by parties with conflicting interests. Adi’s point is reinforced when Goldberg tells us of one of the most important groups worldwide, Human Rights Watch, who sent a delegation to Saudi Arabia (of all places) - and came back with some funding.

I’m not one of the people who believes that Human Rights Watch is reflexively anti-Israel, and I think the group has done admirable work exposing Israel’s human rights violations (and admirable work, of course, exposing human rights violations across the Middle East). But this allegation, if proven true, would cast serious doubt on whether Human Rights Watch’s Middle East division could ever fairly judge Israel again.

 And lastly, Amir Mizroch of the Jerusalem Post writes about the IDF’s attempts to investigate its actions during warfare:

Judge Advocate General Brig.-Gen. Avihai Mandelblit is not always a popular figure in the military, especially when he punishes soldiers who break the law while fighting Israel’s enemies in Gaza, Lebanon or the West Bank. For Mandelblit, there is no difference between routine security operations and full-fledged war, and no difference between Arabs and Jews. There is only the law.

From his third-floor office at IDF headquarters in Tel Aviv, Mandelblit represents the core of Israel’s defense against the legal onslaught by unfriendly countries and organizations across the world. While the shooting has stopped, Operation Cast Lead is not over yet – it has just moved to another front. 

 Good reading!

This Town Ain’t Big Enough for the Three of Us

Well, it looks like Bibi passed the Knesset’s summer session in flying colors. Moments before the final curtain, in the grand finale he managed to run a tight ship and pass two bills into law that were dear to him: the Israel Lands Authority Reform, and the Mofaz Law.

Both pieces of legislation are bad news. The first bill proposes reform that will basically hand over lands owned by the Israeli government into private hands, where (let’s face it) citizen’s rights and environmental issues never really take pride of place.

The second bill is a pathetic attempt by Bibi to ease the process for a possible break-up of Kadima in the not-so-distant future. The Mofaz Law will reduce the number of MKs required to split from a faction from one-third to seven in the case of parties totaling over 21 members. I won’t go into explaining why this law is ridiculous, but here’s a good piece to understand why.

But instead of being the usual Bibi-basher that I have become (or always was?), let’s just sit and think for a second: Could this actually be a good thing?

Let me explain:

A few years ago, Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, who couldn’t get anything done in his Likud party, decided to break away and form Kadima. This was known as the Big Bang of Israeli politics. Kadima joined top figures from the Likud and Labor (most notably Shimon Peres) to form a centrist party that would finally let the Bulldozer do his stuff, unhindered. Unfortunately just a few months later, the seemingly industructable Sharon slipped into a coma and we got three-and-a-half years of Olmert instead.

But just like the Big Bang of our universe (which apparently is still expanding), our own little bang is not over either. The process has yet to be completed. Kadima never became the big party it hoped to be (mainly thanks to Olmert), and the Likud and Labor also lost their strength. In effect, the Israeli political system has entered a stalemate it has never seen before, with the electorate spread out over so many parties, and many voters feeling they can ideologically vote for almost any party seeing as how the differences between them are so small.

Probably the most interesting development lately in the Big Bang in Israel is Bibi’s speech in Bar Ilan University, where he accepted the foundation of a Palestinian state (with his own conditions, of course. But still…) Bibi’s acceptance of the two-state solution has dealt a death blow to Kadima and to all the parties left of it. In a way, it was a death blow to the right as well. Because if all major parties, both left and right, agree to the two state solution, then what’s left to differentiate between them? It seems like the only difference between them is not about ending the occupation anymore, but in how many years. 5, 10, 15?

Certainly the estimated arrival time at the final goal isn’t enough of a criteria to differentiate between three major parties. On all the other issues, well… there’s just not much of a difference. This week, by voting with Bibi on the land reform, Labor has shown it basically has no unique ideology left in its bones. And Kadima? You tell me, does anyone really know what Kadima’s agenda is?

My point is, that this political map is too small for all three. Either Kadima or Labor will have to disappear. Someone will have to raise the guantlet and show true opposition to the Likud, a real left wing would have to arise in the Knesset, one which hasn’t existed for years now.

Which brings me to my point: What if the Mofaz Law actually does just that? If eventually, Mofaz and six others left Kadima, it would slowly disappear into oblivion. Maybe that would be a good thing. Or what if there was a split in Labor, which seems particularly likely after the approval this week of the land reform law which angered many of its members? Maybe this could finally kill off Labor?

Whichever one it is, it doesn’t matter. One of them has to go. And the one that stays has to show a clear agenda that is different from the Likud’s. But this time, the point where the two big parties that are left diverge won’t be the  security-dipolmatic issue. That line is now so blurred it no longer exists. No, this time it has to be about social issues, about the environment, about the economy (stupid!). And this time, it has to be about leadership.

I used to like Amram Mitzna, the former Haifa mayor, who ran against Ariel Sharon and lost when he led Labor into the elections. Sure, he had some drawbacks (show me a poitician who doesn’t), but he just seemed like an honest guy, who really wanted to do some good. He was ahead of his time. For the past three years, Mitzna has been living in Yeruham, as a sort of temporary mayor, to get things fixed up in a municipality that needed help. Now that’s what I call Zionism. Leaving your wife for 4 days a week to go run a small town in the desert. He was recently interviewed by Haaretz (a good read) and said something interesting about the future of Israeli politics: 

Haaretz: What will it take to make you say, “Friends, I am coming back”?

Mitzna: “I imagine that the day will come, in another year-and-a-half or more, when Israeli society will long to see honest, credible people heading it, people with proven executive capability. My estimate is that in the next elections there will be enough votes to get between 30 and 40 seats that will support a leadership direction like that, without decisive importance being attached to the diplomatic-security sphere.

“After Netanyahu’s ‘two states’ the question is no longer whether you are left or right. Until the Oslo Accords the policy debate was over what the solution consisted of but, in the years after Oslo, the real debate is how to get there. Nowadays everyone understands that the Geneva Initiative is the solution, that we will leave the Golan Heights, depart from most of Judea and Samaria and that Jerusalem will be divided. The question is how to get there.”

I hope Mitzna is right. Because if he is, it could mean the end of this Big Bang already. And it could be the beginning to ending the occupation, and to becoming a much more normal, healthy country.

And if he thinks he can lead the way, hey, I just might give him a second chance.

Heep Hope

I’m not a big fan of rap, never have been. Never got too excited about the whole “bling” factor. Although, I do like some artists who seem genuine, like Lauryn Hill (before she went mental) and Outkast. You know, the guys who “keep it real”. The Israeli hip-hop (pronounced “heep-hope” in this part of the world) scene isn’t much to brag about. But there are a few exceptions. One of them being a band I listen to when I jog, and they always manage to make me smile through all the sweat: HaDag Nachash (the fish snake? or is it the snake fish? hmmm…). Wikipedia has some ideas about what the name means.

HaDag Nahash are a band from Jerualem, and what’s cool about them is they talk about everyday life in Israel, about the difficulties, the injustice, the racism and more. No bling, no showing off – just trying to spread the message. Here are a few of my favorites:

This one’s called “We’re not Frayerim (suckers)

Never translated a song before, but let’s try a few lines (no attempt whatsoever to keep the rhyming):

(How much longer?)

In our dreams will we sail like a Mig

And look over the stench from a safe distance

Which is 5 minutes from Kfar Saba

(How much longer?)

Will we keep our eyes shut

To what’s happening right beneath our noses

We’ll get another beer from the fridge

And keep surfing the channels

Chorus: (And we’ll do reserve duty)

We’ll pay the taxes

(And we’ll stand in the traffic jams)

Nobody screws with us

(We’re definitely, definitely, defenitely not frayerim)

Here’s another clip, “The Number Song”, and this one has English subtitles:

One of my favorites is “Here I come”, which if you saw “Don’t Mess with the Zohan”, you might already be familiar with it. It talks about a guy debating on where to live, Jerusalem or Tel Aviv. Should he stay in Jerusalem, where all his friends are, where the hummus is good, where the weather is nice, or should he got toSoddom and Gommora and have some fun with the Tel Avivi women?

And here’s one by a guy named Mookie. Not really a rap song, but a nice tune about his relationship with God.

I’m not afraid of you

Just want to meet you

I have no doubt of you

You of me and me of you